I Can Haz SPACE MAAAAADNESS!??!?!?

Been stuck in house. No power. Five days.

Finally out. Feels like a jailbreak. I'm waiting for sirens to go off because I'm missing.

Going to NY tonight. Feels like I'm stepping from one dream into another. Madness.

I miss my pooch already. She kept me warm.

More from the road later.

Photo Love: Wild Boo Corner

In my front yard yesterday:


That's a bobcat, y'all.

After Sunset, Before Sunrise

Doctors, let's call it.

Time of death: 23:30, December 10, 2009.

I kept you on life support for as long as I feasibly could. I really did. But I just don't think I can watch you suffer anymore. The heartbreak is too great, and those little lucid moments that have kept my hope alive are too few and too far between to justify this hurt any longer.

But those small moments were sweet. So sweet. They kept me going in a relationship that didn't deserve it. They keep me going now, in another relationship that should deserve it, but probably won't get it. We are both too jaded at this point to delude ourselves.

I didn't want it to be this way. I wanted to hold on for as long as I could. I always said I wouldn't be one of those people that accepts defeat and walks away to a long, lonely life full of nothing but reality. I always thought I could make the fantasy last, at least a little while longer.

If you still have yours, hold on tight. Try not to let this harsh world take it away from you.

I wish I could have held on just a little while longer. But it is like knocking on the door on an empty house.

Goodbye, inner romantic. Goodbye, little idealist. We tried.

Hello reality.

Boo's Nuggets of Wisdumb

One thing all businesses need: a well-thought out, simple, accurate, billing system. Especially an internet billing system. And especially if your business provides, you know, INTERNET SERVICE.

A Tuppence Sir?

Hi Peeps!

I must say that I've really missed blogging. It is so nice to get back into it. Now that I'm into a new life phase, I have a lot of energy that has been unused, so I'm getting back into shape.

I have a new goal: I want to up my blog readership.

With that in mind, I have three requests.

1. Tell yer friends!
2. Suggestions for the kinds of things you would like to see on the site.
3. Click a little link every once in a while.

With that in mind, put your suggestions in the comments below. They can be anything! Go crazy! I might just do it!

One of my potential ideas is a Shoe of the Day feature. And here is a picture of the shoes I'm wearing today, just as a carrot.

Love to you all,

Boo

XMas in NY OMG like Totes!

Yessiree. And not with hot lesbian friend, who is apparently a celezbian, and can't pull herself away from the drama that comes with being a celezbian in Asheville.

EVEN BETTER.

With my newly yoga-addicted former roomie/anagram junkie and acupunk extraordinare, the Zen Materialist!!!! :)

Ice skating at Rockerfeller on Christmas eve, anyone????

Boo's Nuggets of Wisdumb

Sometimes, the difference between a happy life and a sad life is the choice of how you see it. Sometimes, it is the pleasure with which you take a shit.

Boo's Top Five: Awesome Things About Today!!

5. It's the day before Thanksgiving. And I'm starving!

4. I get off work at 2:00pm for drinks with some of my favorite people!

3. There was an inchworm on my shoulder this morning!



2. I'm revisiting my late 90's music collection. Oh Natalie Merchant, how I love to sing along with you!

1. I love exclamation points!

Austin, We have an Issue.

I consider myself a normal, healthy woman in her almost-prime. (I'll be 30 on my next.) Now, the way I understand it, most normal healthy women start to hit their sexual peak somewhere in their mid to late 30s.

As of the last couple of months, I have thought of almost nothing but sex. I used to think about it a lot before that, but now I think about it CONSTANTLY. In fact, it is becoming difficult to function because I am being bombarded by blistering blasts of bedlust. I can't concentrate on even the simplest things. I get turned on by the most innocent things. Like taking a turn too fast on the road. Or watching someone--that I'm not even ATTRACTED to--stretch. And things are going downhill rather quickly.

Austin, we have an issue.

This isn't an issue of not getting any. I am getting any. I'm getting GOOD any. And compared to my last relationship, and many before that, I'm getting a lotta good any. So I have to wonder: Is my getting any directly contributing to the Katrina-like flooding I'm currently experiencing in my downtown highrise?

I'm sure the answer is: Yes, a little.

But GOD: I have TEN MORE YEARS of this?????

FUCK.



Oh fuck. I said "fuck".

Now I'm "on" again.

CHRIST.

Hmm. I bet he was good at it.

DAMMIT!

Boo's Nuggets of Wisdumb

Sometimes, all you need to do to change your perspective is to get a new chair.

It also makes you get off your ass.

Photo Love: Dog Loves Cheese

Don't worry, I didn't tease her with it all day. I did eventually give it to her.

After I laughed and laughed and laughed! Mercy!

The Bitch Files: Boo's Bitch of the Day

Paheeba!!

PAHEEBA DAY!

Now go over there and click some ads!!

Saturday Night Jollies Follies

The events I am about to relate really happened this past Saturday night.



I come home with my "friend". I have a backache from building a deck all day. I am in pain, but nothing serious. I am, however, in need of some serious, ahem, sexual healing.

"Friend" falls asleep. I am without relief. I begin to relieve myself, as was a habit during the last stages of my mostly sexless marriage.

Just as I'm reaching liftoff, "friend" wakes up (because apparently I was moaning), and asks me, "Are you ok? Do you need a doctor?"

I promptly lose my liftoff.

"What?" I ask.

"Do you need a doctor?"

...

"For my orgasm?"

"Oh. I thought you were in pain. Because of your back."

We laugh. Alot. And then we both relieve each other. Several times.

Boobs.

Now that I have your attention: boobs.

This is the kind of science I can really get behind. And under. And on top of. And bouncy.

Thank You Note

Geoff,

I'm happy my experiences have helped to put something into perspective for you. I constantly struggle with whether or not I should talk about my life on the internet, so I really appreciate your reaching out. It is good to know that I can be a friend to a stranger, at least for a moment in time. Keep on keepin' on, brother.

-Boo

Boo's Top Five: Things I Love Today

5. Mastering the art of the Snooze.
I think I have finally found my sweet spot in the War on Waking (WoW). I usually set my alarm for about an hour before I know I should be out of bed (I know, I'm kind of a masochist in that way), and then I hit my alarm about 5 times before getting out of bed. That method was not making me a happy camper. Now, I still wake at the hour early mark, but then set my snooze for an hour of uninterrupted sleep. Result? Happy Morning Boo!

4. Rain boots.
Silly me, thinking hurricane season was over! But at least I got to break out my ubercute rain boots!

3. Sweet puppy kisses.
Yes, she has had a bad habit lately of eating my bread products, but I did say I wanted to eat less carbs, so maybe she is just looking out for me. However, the baguette buried under my pillow was a less-than-happy discovery. But then it made me laugh. So, win win, I guess.

2. Black Currant Probiotic juice [currently testing: Good Belly brand]
This stuff is SO MUCH better than trying to choke down a thick mess of kefir in the morning when I don't feel like eating anything, much less a thicker version of yogurt that takes five minutes to pour out of the damn container because is it SO THICK. On top of it NOT being kefir, it actually tastes like delicious, gourmet grape juice. Win win!

1. Mexican mocha from Izzy's.
A delicious hot mocha with cayenne pepper from my favorite coffee spot. Ahhhhhhh CAFFEINE.

F*ck Like a Rabbit

First of all, I have two words for you: regrown penises.

Which brings me to a question.

Why rabbits? I mean, as far as I know, they aren't endangered and clearly don't have reproductive issues, thus the saying "fuck like a rabbit".

I don't know, couldn't they have tried to regrow another animal's penis? Maybe one that needs help, like the Giant Panda? Or a polar bear?

Oh, and on my feminist rant side: WTF! Science makes it easier for men to knock up women. When are they gonna make a penis that shoots blanks? What about MALE BIRTH CONTROL that doesn't involve clipping tubes?

Come AHN.

Tech Geek

So, I have an iPhone. I love it (for the most part), but like the fickle, choosy betch I am, I'm looking for the next generation of younger, hipper, cooler, better.

On that note: Anyone getting a Droid?

Give me the lowdown please.

Photo Love: Fall in the Mountains

A Chandler Bing Moment

Can I ADD any more to my plate??

If you have been an avid reader of my fascinating life, then you may know that things have kinda been crazy for me over the last year. Let's reminisce.

Last year this time I was...

building a house
living in my mother's unfinished basement
about to be kicked out of said basement
supporting a serious alcohol habit
working on a short film
watching the mountains feel autumn from the top down
writing for a music blog
working a 9 to 5er that took more than 9 to 5
living a fabulously social life
blissfully oblivious to a crumbling marriage
(ok, fine, i was all too aware of said marriage)
watching a friend fade
not getting laid (and how callous is it that i put that after the "friend" item, eh?)

Good god, that was an Eeyore moment. Let's all pause to shake it off.

If you asked me then what my life would like now, my current experience would probably be the last thing I would guess. Now that I'm here, I can't imagine it happening any other way. Now, I'm...

single (wtf.)
renovating my new house (somewhat planned, but still: i'm crazy)
still working my 9 to 5er (but now with 20% more FREE!)
starting a new business (i know.)
trying desperately to write music (read: not writing music)
seeking to grow personally (i am a bad, evil person--dammit. fail.)
watching autumn from my home
trying to convince my sister to come move in with me so i don't have to get a "roommate"
attempting to de-stress my life
attempting to have more sex
traveling like crazy

Does life ever GET any less complicated?

Ear Candy: Classical Edition

Gustav Holst, The Planets, Mars

This is my favorite piece from Holst's The Planets. It inevitably is compared to The Imperial March from Star Wars, but it was written first and is decidedly better (not to knock John Williams at all; I love his work).

Please to enjoy my ruling planet, Mars.

Ear Candy: Keane

Keane, Hamburg Song

Project Enlightenment: Stinky Shit Piles

This constant learning process can get really exhausting sometimes, especially when it feels like one is just wading through pile after pile of self-shit. Then, after trudging through a particularly stinky pile of shit, you have an epiphany. Suddenly, all that shit begins to make sense, and you can use it as fertilizer for personal growth.

I had a particularly stinky pile of shit this weekend, and after taking a step back from my snap reactions, listening to what the important people in my life had to say, and searching myself for what my truth was, I started to realize how important it was that I deal with this stink pile rather than wrinkling my nose and ignoring it.

I have to say, in the moment, cleaning up shit can really fucking suck. You might dry heave. You might get some on your hands. You might spread it around before you can completely clear it. But damn, once that shit is clean, it is clean and you can move on with your life.

Photo Love: My Favorite Little Tyke

Ike!

NY. NY! NY!!!

I have THREE trips to NY scheduled in the next three months. Yes, I am awesome.

Trip Number 1: Work work work. And then two days of NOT work! :) With my favorite gay man in the world. We might make out a little.

Trip Number 2: Special invitation from the CEO of my company for a retreat. So, work. But GOOD work. Maybe I'll get a fucking raise. (HAHAHAHA.) <--sarcasm

Trip Number 3: CHRISTMAS IN NY!!!!! I have decided I'm doing Christmas by myself this year. Just me, for myself. No family, no obligations, no lovers, no hangups. ME ME ME ME ME. And, although it will be a "for me" kind of holiday, I am taking a six day trip to my second favorite city with my first favorite lesbian. Hot lesbian. HOT. Like, THIS kind of HOT:


Maybe I'll be able to keep my hands to myself. MAYBE.

The Dead Weather

Check out my Dead Weather review on TMITM. Tuesday, 9am.

Short. To the point.

...

When I miss you, I look at your facebook profile. It helps, but it kinda hurts, too.

I'd Say You Make A Perfect Angel In the Snow

Tell all my mourners
To mourn in red —
Cause there ain't no sense
In my bein' dead.

-Langston Hughes



One died too young.
One died too suddenly.
One seemed to linger on longer than necessary.
One wanted to linger, but lost their grip.
One wanted to die.
One didn't know whether they wanted to live or die, but decided.
One deserved what was coming to them.
One didn't.
One died when I was too young.
One floated away softly, peacefully.
One crashed through the barrier.
One smiled, and held my hand, and sighed, and died.
I carry them all.

Underboobage!

Hey peeps: check out The Music is the Message for a sweet little bit on some of our favorite album covers.

NSFW.

-Boo

Yesterday Seems So Far Away

I'm in the midst of feeling like I'm riding a janky carnival ride. The highs are good: I'm getting back to myself, opening up in a way that I haven't before, reconnecting with the most excellent people. But some days, it feels like the bolts are loose, and things could just shake apart.

This last week was shaky. Man, was it shaky. It made me really question my expectations about the elements in my life, and now I'm forced to reexamine what it is I want.

That is such a hard question. What IS it that I want?

It seems so easy to answer in general terms. Happiness. Simplicity. Success. Health.
But what about specifics? Where do I want to be? What do I want to do? Who do I want to do that with? Where do I see myself in five years?

My aunt asked me that question a few days ago--where I want to be in five years. I could only half smile and shake my head. Five years? Hell, I don't even know where I want to be in the next five minutes. And the disturbing part of that is, I don't really care.

I just have to put one foot in front of the other. Live in the moment. Try to accept that there are no accidents.

That is so hard for me. I want everything spelled out--preferably in a nice font--and ready for me to embrace it. Right now it is like reaching out to embrace a puff of smoke.

But, like my mom once said: Leap and the net shall appear.

Aiieeeee.

Ear Candy: Gossip

GODDAYUM I love this fucking betch. She would be my best friend, if I could track her down long enough to enchant her with my enchantingness.

This is Gossip's Standing in the Way of Control



Be on the lookout for my upcoming love fest/culture investigation on Gossip at The Music is the Message. And just go check it out, because the writers there are eff bomb fucking awesome.

Kisses!

Boo

Sticks and Stones

HA. Ha ha ha.

I just had to share this.

I just found out from a friend that my STBEx has been spreading vile rumors around about me. And man, is this a round-about way of finding out. Here's the path that this rumor took to reach my sweet little ears.

My friend's friend was in an airport and randomly met some guy that went to school with my STBEx. They struck up a conversation, and somehow my STBEx came up. This guy, whom I'm pretty sure I know (because it was when I was supporting STBEx while he was finishing an associates degree in woodworking, and that school is exceptionally small so I know all his classmates), says this: Yeah, his ex-wife. What a fucking whore.

Now, this comes as a surprise to me for several reasons. A) Me and STBEx agreed not to talk about our private shit to people not in our close circles. B) He probably hasn't seen this guy in months, but somehow the guy feels he has a right to say something like that to someone he just met. C) I think I know who the dude is, and if it is who I think, then the motherfucker was IN OUR WEDDING.

Wow. Just, wow.

Author's Note: When I heard this, I couldn't help but laugh. The friend who phoned me to tell me this was fucking furious, and clearly had not believed me when I told him that the STBEx had actually said such nasty things to my face over the years. This "whore" comment was so low on the radar of nasty shit in comparison that I can't HELP but laugh. That, and what the fuck am I really gonna do? Call him up and say, "DID YOU CALL ME A WHORE MOTHERFUCKER???" No. There is a piece of white trash in me that wants to do that, but I've outgrown giving in to my baser needs. Anyway, this just becomes more fodder for my Rage/Revenge album currently in the works. GTs.

2nd Author's Note: Also, what the fuck is his problem? He's the one that jumped into bed with someone after two weeks. AND he tried to get me to fuck him again while he was still living in my house when we were separated. AND! Last night I was nice and made him dinner--long story--and he tried to fuck me AGAIN!!!

Whore.

Ear Candy: Rasputina

Here is an incredibly beautiful cover of Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here by one of my favorite bands, Rasputina.



Also, be on the lookout for new posts back on The Music is the Message, coming soon!

Weekendings

I'm feeling resolution. I'm feeling rebirth. I'm feeling discovery. I'm feeling awake.

Soon-to-be-ex Mister Boo came over on Saturday. We went through boxes that haven't seen the light of day in over two years—two years ago, we packed up our lives, moved out of my first home, and began the journey of trying to build one for ourselves.

It is strange to see a life in boxes. I could clearly see all the places he and I had been with one another; we built a quaint, happy little life in some ways. That was really nice to revisit. And it was also really nice to reclaim what was mine from that quaint little life. I tried. I tried to live a small life. I thought that I could be happy with what I had, and learn to live without what I didn't.

Oh, how sorely I underestimated the power of "Me." My drive and determination and my energy, and my need for...well, my need for speed, really.

I read through one of my old journals last night, with a glass of red wine in hand. It was from the period of time right before I got together with my S-T-B Ex. It was full of desperation and self-denial. It was full of problems about an old boyfriend. The same kind of problems that resurfaced in my marriage. I could see the patterns, finally. I could see how I once again jumped into a relationship without thoroughly examining what I wanted from it; rather, I just expected that because I felt "love" and "friendship" and was having a good time, that these things would magically work themselves out.

This is why I think that getting married was the second best decision of my life. I would never have grown as much as I have without it. I have perspective. I have insight into myself. I'm uncovering things within myself that I have hidden for many long years—far longer than my marriage, or any other relationship-based milestone. I have been hiding from myself for a very long time, and I think I have found the key to rediscovering that self. That "Me."

Going through the storage boxes was not painful in the least. In fact, he and I rather enjoyed it. We reminisced over odd and awkward wedding gifts that never left their packaging. We told stories about photos. We laughed over old jokes and personal moments. It was very healing. It was very good closure. (I found an old tattoo design that I've wanted for a long time, and it still speaks to me. I'm going to get it done as soon as I can figure out my finances.)

I have reclaimed my physical life, and my emotional life is following suit.

Consistent Nudity (H/T Julie)

There is something very refreshing about someone consistently seeing you naked. Especially when he talks about how hot you are every time it happens.

10 Feet Tall

It is so strange, this feeling of release. I truly haven't felt this way in a long, long time. Years. I don't know how much that had to do with internal or external circumstance, really, but I do know that it feels like I'm finally breathing freely after a long time of holding my breath.

I feel myself unwinding. Unraveling in the most delicious way. I think that might have alarmed me once, but now I am yielding to the cravings of my heart, and my body, and my mind and I'm just starting to reignite the fire that has been smoldering for far too long.

There is inspiration peeking out of my consciousness that hasn't seen daylight. I have been dreaming so much that when I wake, I'm overwhelmed with images and sensations and impressions. Like things are trying to burst out of me, and my consciousness isn't allowing that to happen quite quickly enough. I feel full of life, and starting to get my pace back, and I feel huge. I feel larger than my physical self.

Apparently I've been doing a lot of talking in my sleep, too, and that hasn't happened in years either.

Hmm.

I am in TROUBLE

I'm having sex.

Wait, let me rephrase that.

I'm having amazing sex.


Lots and lots of it.
With a friend.
That I may or may not be falling for.

Ugh.

What the HELL am I doing???

Two Rights is not a Logical Fallacy

The second best decision I ever made in my life was to get married.
The first best decision I ever made was to get divorced.

This may seem contrary at best, but these two things have shaped me greatly—almost as much as burying two fathers. I have had the mirror held up to my face. I have looked deep into the dark thoughts of my own being. I have had to own up to my faults, my masks, my walls—all the things that I protected myself with. I don't think that I would have been able to do these things without the experience of marriage. Not even a long-term committed relationship would have done this for me. There is a level of...how can I say it...permanence, I guess, when it comes to being married. And for me, that was very necessary. I knew that I had to deal with myself in order to deal with my relationship. I learned this because I knew I had to.

Going through a divorce is strange. There is so much that still feels unresolved and up in the air. But maybe that isn't so strange. Very few things, at least in my life, come to a real resolution, despite my desperate attempts to reach some final conclusion.

I still stand by my first two statements. Because I now have a self-knowledge and understanding that no one can give me, and no one can take it away. I used to equate my husband with "home."
Now I know "home" was me all along.


I have some big plans, and I will hopefully unfold those shortly, when the time is right. Until then, just know that there are big things in the works, and you, my friends, will have a front row seat.

So Fresh and So Clean Clean

Big changes in the coming weeks.

New bed.
New living situation.
New plans.
Big ideas.
Big moments.
A master closet all to myself.
A gorgeous house all to myself.
A gorgeous life -- all to myself.

I can afford to be a bit selfish for a while.

I feel like I can take a full breath again.

The Honest Truth

"I knew who you were when I asked you to marry me...I knew you were complicated. Challenging."

I stand there silently, watching his face while he searches for the words.

"I thought I could handle you. But I couldn't even handle me handling you."

He looks so sad. My heart wrenches with the truth of it. It's probably the most honest, real thing he's ever said to me. I feel hot tears start to fall down my cheeks.


"I know."

Wait, WHAT?

He's not seeing someone.

He's sleeping with her, though.

Apparently he's not ready for a relationship. I wish he had told me that five years ago.

But you know what he IS doing? Moving out.

Stress Dreams, Cont.

A restless night last night, but full of intensely stressful dreams about my separated husband. We are still sharing a house, but he wasn't home last night, and I'm beginning to think he is seeing someone.

It's been a month.

What. The. Fuck.

Today has already been a challenge to not cry at work. I hate crying at work. And I've had to push it back all day long.

People Watching in the Airport

4:28pm
WHOA freaky dude with the face tattoo. Freaky OLD dude with a face tattoo. What is that? (Puts glasses on for long-distance inspection).

OH MY GOD. It is a burning cross. I can't make out the letters beneath it, but three of them look like K's. Dear. Sweet. Lord.

4:31pm
Sitting in a bar, drinking better-than-piss-I-guess beer. Am only woman in bar. Weird.

Geez Subconscious. Give me a Freakin' Break.

I had yet another sex dream about the soon to be ex Mister Boo last night. This is the third one in two weeks.

...

What the fuck, brain?

I'm Feeling Rough I'm Feeling Raw I'm in the Time of My Life

The Good: Swimming in the lake. Fresh cherries and boiled peanuts. Long, lazy girl-talk on floats. Driving fast, with the wind blowing through my hair. Great music. Dancing like a maniac until I'm dripping with sweat and a smile that I can't shake. Laughing with my best friends. Sleeping in late. Real late. Fireworks from the ridge of a rooftop. Sparklers. Sitting at a bar, drinking a beer by myself. Getting hit on (???) five times in 10 minutes. Lazing around in my friend's beautiful home, reading magazines and talking shit.

The Bad: Saying goodbye to a friend. Safe travels, love. Visit often and repeat frequently.

Thanks, Captain Obvious.

Sometimes my subconscious is like, soooo totally obvious. I mean, I really like those dreams I have where I wake up and say to myself, I say, "Self? What the eff was that?? What does that mean?? Am I secretly a man trapped in a woman's body??" And that bitchy self never answers.

But last night, my dreams were pretty see-through. One was about my soon to be separated from husband coming my (our old) room and saying, "Let's have sex one last time." Well, yeah, ok. Pretty clear. I'm terrified of being alone, not being sexually attractive, not having a partner I trust--all these things that have been building up in me with my so to be ex over a period of years. Great, subconscious. I get it. (Luckily in the dream, we almost did, and I then I came to my senses and refused because I knew it would set me back from all the progress I've made over the last week. Man, I am even rational in my DREAMS! Why couldn't I just have had the dream sex?)

The next dream was a group of people sleeping over at this really gorgeous man's killer house. We are all lounging around, someone was playing with my hair. Everyone was beautiful and sexy and sexual, even though there was no hanky panky. Ok, subconscious, again, I think I get it. This is my ideal. Awesome people attracted to me. Many awesome people. Sweet. (God, why couldn't I have had dream sex in THAT dream??? Sometimes my subconscious can be such a prude. Jeez.)

The next dream was about my extended family, and telling my grandparents--the ones that have been pushing me and soon to be ex to make a baby being--that we are getting divorced. Painful. And this dream was full of strangness. For starters, my grandfather was this king of carnival-type that was guessing people's weight, and he put me about 20 pounds over what I am. Harsh. And then my uncle was telling me he was getting divorced from my aunt, who happened to be his sister. I mean, we are Southern, but we ain't trash, ya know? And then my uncle started to sign his divorce papers and turned into my dad. Whoa. Subconscious, I get where you are going with this, but did you have to jumble it up so much? My father figures have disappeared from my life and now the only ones left are either hurting me or unstable.

Good grief. No, that should BAD grief. Bad grief! Bad! Go to your room!

This Raspberry's for YOU!

This was my (admittedly crap) horoscope today:

"You can't make people do your bidding at the wave of a magic wand, no matter how much you might want to. They are still going to behave badly, act rudely, be tense or excitable. Just because they love you doesn't mean they are automatically always good to you."

Ha. Stupid horoscope. I already knew that one!! So HAAAAAAAAAA on you.

*tthhhbbptttt*

Already Dead

I am barely holding it together at work today.

I was feeling better last Thursday--not great by any means, but I could actually say the words to my friends "my husband and I are separating" without breaking down. Then I had a slammed weekend full of distraction.

Now I'm back to a somewhat normal reality and I feel like the sky is crashing down on me. I'm being dragged to the center of the earth with a gravity so strong I can't even pretend to be alright. Every time someone asks me if I'm ok, I pretty much lose it. I am a fucking mess.

God, I hope it fucking gets better than this. I have pretty much had it with heartache and pain. I'm fucking sick of this. Sick of feeling so fucking lost and choked. I have a rotation of cold face packs to keep me from looking like a bloated corpse when I walk into work.

It has to get better. Right???

Love and Marriage

My new favorite word is "amicable".

Maybe we have always been better friends than lovers; maybe we misconstrued a love of friendship and tried to force and one of a intimate more intimate nature. Whatever the case, I know we were in the other's life for a reason, and that we still care greatly for one another. The only thing important to both of us as we go through a separation is maintaining that friendship. He is my best friend—I don't want to lose that along with a husband.

If this had to happen, then this is the way I would want it: with love, compassion, and flexibility from both of us. I can't say that I'm not desperately sad, but I can say I haven't cried nearly as much in the last two days.

I can get through this. Small steps.

This is the End, My Friend

Well, now that it is actually upon me, I can't believe I never saw it.

I always thought that the problems between me and my husband weren't because of a lack of love. Now I see that that was the only problem.

I am terribly, terribly sad.

All Apologies

Ahem:

If you are going to make an apology, it should probably be one--if not ALL--of the following three things in order to be worthy of consideration.

1. Gentle.

2. Spoken in a normal tone of voice.

3. Sincere.

*Glares at husband*

Jose Can't-seco

Is there any doubt that this would be the result of Jose Canseco's odd career change to MMA fighting? Granted, a 7 foot 2 inch Korean opponent could intimidate anyone, but seriously...did he think he could win, even if he wasn't fighting a giant??

I mean, he couldn't even win a celebrity boxing match. Against Danny "Tiny T-Rex Arms" Bonaduce.

*At least he and Danny had a chance to trade recipes for counteracting the ball-shrinking effects of being douchebags. So there's your silver lining.

Heart Space

I. Feel. GOOD.

Cross my heart, this is neither drug or alcohol-induced. Pinky swear.

Yesterday was a huge turning point for me, and I'm riding high on that crest of energy. Tonight, I had the most lovely dinner with one of the most lovely women I know. We drank wine, ate mussels and pomme frites, and discussed all the beauties and terrors of life. It was wonderful to connect and ground myself in the presence of such a special person. I'm lucky in the way I've surrounded myself with wonderfully intelligent, kind, and loving people. I don't always deserve these beautiful people, but today I am the person that deserves them. I am feeling close to my true self again, after a very long time.

Now I'm home, enjoying a beautifully clean house, and anticipating a visit from my baby sister tomorrow, whom I haven't seen since Thanksgiving. My relationship with my husband is so much better, my brother and I are like best friends, and I'm starting to clearly see why those people are so important to me. It has a lot more to do with their acceptance of me and less of my obsessive effort to love them. What a life lesson that has been: I can't make people love me. If they love me, they love me whether I want them to or not.

So many things in my life are starting to come full circle, and now I finally have the mental flexibility and the heart space to accommodate all the things I want to let in.

I Yam What I Yam

"I have taken some deeply personal risks recently and said exactly what I mean to the people closest to me…even if it meant I could lose them."

-Ms. Mix and Bitch

I just read this on one of my favorite blogs, Mix Tape Therapy. And it really hit home for me.

For the most part, I am a direct person. Brutally direct. Direct to a fault. And it has definitely cost me friendships and relationships. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching recently, for many reasons, but I've been dwelling on this aspect in particular because it has come around again in my life.

I began to question whether it is worth it. Is it worth it to tell someone how I feel, knowing that the cost might be no longer having that person in my life? Is it worth it to put myself out there, even if it is just relating a feeling? Is it worth it to say something to someone, knowing full well that they might not be able to handle my truth? Sure, I get it off my chest. But at the end of the day, does it really matter? It is easy to say "Yes. Be true to yourself." But it is not so easy in practice, especially when someone straight up walks away. There have been times that I have been honest and lost a friend, and eventually that friend came back. But there have also been times when that friend left and never looked back. I usually console myself with thoughts of "meant to be" and shit like that. Then I question whether all this heartache is worth it. Is it worth it? Can't I just keep my fucking mouth shut? Can't I bear this on my own?

The flip side is, do I not say what is in my heart? When I am hurt, or scared, or insecure in some way, is it better to let it be? Is it better to hide that feeling and keep my friends close?

I have recently had to face some pretty hard truths about myself, and it has not been easy. My usual support network is kinda M.I.A., and so I've been relying on writing and drinking to ease this. But no matter how much I write or drink to forget, these self-truths remain. No matter how much I push them away, they remain. I spoke to a friend from my heart, and things didn't go well. At all. So I became even more introverted and scared, and angry at myself for speaking up. It was not something I could talk to my husband about, either. I was so scared of his reaction, especially after things went bad with my friend, and he and I were already having some pretty serious problems.

But I took a chance. I took a chance on him.

At first, it seemed that things would end. It seemed that this was going to be the straw that broke us. But it wasn't, and now that I have given him some time to process, I'm realizing what a truly outstanding man he is, and how lucky I am to already be married to him. He embraced me. He embraced me for the complicated, passionate, brazen, outspoken person that I am. He embraced me for my flaws and my talents. He shocked me with his ability to love and accept. Trust me when I say that what I told him was NOT easy for either of us. Yet, here I am, and here he is, and we are as strong as we have ever been, even with this unveiled secret between us.

People are strong enough. The people that love you for you are strong enough.

There are still people in my life, like my mom, that I cannot say certain things to; I accept that. They have become second tier in my sphere of relationships. I know what I can and can't expect, and that is an important line to draw. The hard part is discovering that line in the first place without losing someone.

I know now that I will always be direct. It is who I am, and for the most part, that is a big reason why my friends love me. I also know that it will cost me relationships for the rest of my life. I am beginning to accept that. It challenges my biggest fear: my fear of rejection. But having struggled with things far more painful, I also know that this fear does not control me. That ugly voice in my head that shouts at me holds no sway over my actions. I can challenge my own worst fears. It doesn't mean that I overcome the fear; it is still there and it is just as strong every time. But I challenge it anyway. Just as I challenge the people in my life. I want to be the water that polishes everyone in my life to be their best. I want to be my own water.

Ear Candy: Groove Armada

Being blue can really bring you down. But blue can be beautiful, too. It is all in how you look at it.

Live out loud, people. All my love.

Groove Armada's "Inside My Mind" (Blues Skies)

Ear Candy: Get Out, Get Out of My Life

Thanks Jules. This fits my mood exactly today. And I don't know whether you like the Supremes version better or not, but I need a bit of 80s attitude with my music today.

Kim Wilde, You Keep Me Hanging On

A Hiatus From Depression...

TARHEELS!!! NCAA Champs!!! #5!!!






Ok, back to being Eeyore.

Tailspin

At what point do you realize that you are crashing? Sometimes it is easy to pinpoint the moment: the engine dies, the lightening strikes--a quick and decisive event.

But what if you have been flying, not realizing that the ground is getting closer and closer? What if it takes years to fully understand that you aren't really flying anymore? A controlled crash?

Tomorrow will mark three years. Three years since the one stable person in my life left.

It was the engine blowing. I heard the explosion. I felt it blast me from the sky. But at a certain point, after I had taken care of everyone else, after I had begun to have a life again, I thought I was in the air. I thought that I was taking care of business. I thought that I had things under control.

I'm just beginning to realize how out of control I have been. I righted the plane after the engine died, but didn't realize I was losing altitude.

So now, here I am, seconds from impact, and I don't think I have the strength to pull back up. Too much has happened. Too much still weighs on my heart. And new things keep piling on top.

Chez is right. Love is not enough.

I don't know what is happening to me, and I don't know how it is going to end. I just wish I could find some solace.

A Song of Despair

For an amazing, inspirational woman. A loving, beautiful wife. A kind, adoring mother. A woman I never met face to face, yet grew to know as we supported one another in our trudge through life struggles. Her struggle has ended, and thus begins those who knew and love her. My heart reaches out to her family.

Rest peacefully.

Amanda "AlabamaPink" Amos
1975 - 2009


A Song of Despair


The memory of you emerges from the night around me.
The river mingles its stubborn lament with the sea.

Deserted like the dwarves at dawn.
It is the hour of departure, oh deserted one!

Cold flower heads are raining over my heart.
Oh pit of debris, fierce cave of the shipwrecked.

In you the wars and the flights accumulated.
From you the wings of the song birds rose.

You swallowed everything, like distance.
Like the sea, like time. In you everything sank!

It was the happy hour of assault and the kiss.
The hour of the spell that blazed like a lighthouse.

Pilot's dread, fury of blind driver,
turbulent drunkenness of love, in you everything sank!

In the childhood of mist my soul, winged and wounded.
Lost discoverer, in you everything sank!

You girdled sorrow, you clung to desire,
sadness stunned you, in you everything sank!

I made the wall of shadow draw back,
beyond desire and act, I walked on.

Oh flesh, my own flesh, woman whom I loved and lost,
I summon you in the moist hour, I raise my song to you.

Like a jar you housed infinite tenderness.
and the infinite oblivion shattered you like a jar.

There was the black solitude of the islands,
and there, woman of love, your arms took me in.

There was thirst and hunger, and you were the fruit.
There were grief and ruins, and you were the miracle.

Ah woman, I do not know how you could contain me
in the earth of your soul, in the cross of your arms!

How terrible and brief my desire was to you!
How difficult and drunken, how tensed and avid.

Cemetery of kisses, there is still fire in your tombs,
still the fruited boughs burn, pecked at by birds.

Oh the bitten mouth, oh the kissed limbs,
oh the hungering teeth, oh the entwined bodies.

Oh the mad coupling of hope and force
in which we merged and despaired.

And the tenderness, light as water and as flour.
And the word scarcely begun on the lips.

This was my destiny and in it was my voyage of my longing,
and in it my longing fell, in you everything sank!

Oh pit of debris, everything fell into you,
what sorrow did you not express, in what sorrow are you not drowned!

From billow to billow you still called and sang.
Standing like a sailor in the prow of a vessel.

You still flowered in songs, you still brike the currents.
Oh pit of debris, open and bitter well.

Pale blind diver, luckless slinger,
lost discoverer, in you everything sank!

It is the hour of departure, the hard cold hour
which the night fastens to all the timetables.

The rustling belt of the sea girdles the shore.
Cold stars heave up, black birds migrate.

Deserted like the wharves at dawn.
Only tremulous shadow twists in my hands.

Oh farther than everything. Oh farther than everything.

It is the hour of departure. Oh abandoned one!



-Pablo Neruda

Tourney WHO? ACC What?

Guess who's going to the ACC Tourney in Atlanta this weekend?????
Guess who's team* is gonna win it???
Guess who might not make it back in time for work on Monday???

HEEEE!!!



*Go HEELS!

Time to Take a Breath

Hiya folks. It's been a while, I know. I have been pretty blue for the last six months, if I'm being honest. Well, if I'm really being honest, it would be a bit longer, but it has been more noticeable in the last six months.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I have been trying to take a very real look at myself to see what is holding me back, and why I can't seem to be honestly happy. It has been pretty painful, but I hope that pain is coming from personal growth as much as it is from reliving bad past experiences, and new bad experiences. Everything happens as it should, I have come to believe, and it is up to us to decide how to react to whatever is placed in our path. That is what determines the kind of person each of us really is. It doesn't take the hurt away when someone you love is dishonest, or thoughtless, or just not there. But it does give you the power to determine what your life will be, regardless of those around you. Even those closest to you.

So I think that is what has been going on with me. I have been hurt pretty badly by the people I love most, and I'm coming to terms with a way to deal with it that is healthy (for everyone involved, including me) and positive. But GOD, it has been a long road. A long, desperate road. Several times I have felt pushed to the brink. Luckily, there has been someone there to grab me each time, and those someones are sometimes very surprising someones (like an old grade school crush--yeah, weird right?).

I don't know if I'm trying to say anything. I'm just speaking to the circles that my mind wanders in. But I do know that things are starting to look a bit brighter today, and I feel good about that. And I also know that the closest people in my life are those that I love the most, and hurt is just a natural part of loving someone that much. And that I feel good about, too. I was on a pretty dangerous road for a while there—a road that would have led me to a lonely, bitter life—but I have decided against that. I have chosen the hurt that I know awaits me in the future for the love that I feel today. And I'm ok with that.

One last word of wisdom from a growing girl: Great sex can heal almost anything. Indulge in taking care of your heart by taking care of your O.

Love to you all,

Boo

Channeling the One Power

I'm not sure how it exactly happened, but I was somehow drawn in to Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series. I've read the entire series—that is now awaiting one last installment following Jordan's death a few years ago—probably five times. Maybe six.

I've been pestering my husband to read these books for going on five years now, and he finally picked up the first book the other day. Seeing him start the book made my mind water, so I came up with a great idea: Let's read the books out loud to one another.

I should have known that I would end up reading them out loud to myself. My husband tends to fall asleep when confronted with books, movies, or any other activity in which he can make himself comfortable. It's an uncanny knack—nay, it is a gift—that he can fall asleep whenever and wherever. But he has been a champ; he stays awake as long as his brain will let him, and I catch him up on what he missed. It has been so pleasant, and my reading-out-loud voice is getting really good. But in reading a book out loud, you begin to notice things that your mind might have scanned over before (because with Jordan's drawn out descriptions of Illian and Tear, my mind starts to wander, so I scan).

One of the things I've noticed: He says "abruptly." Like, A LOT.

I've said it so many times, the word has lost all meaning to me. It even looks weird to me. Ugh. A-B-R-U-P-T-L-Y. Look at that! Those letters were never meant to be that close to one another!

Stop using "abruptly"!

GAH!!!!!!!!

My Saturn Returns

I've lost my mind.

I can still function, and be social, and everything appears to be fine, but I am really starting to lose my grasp on what I think I know about myself. It is a good, and necessary, breakdown. Not debilitating. Not emotionally destructive, although it has had me racing through the spectrum of extreme emotion in a way I haven't since I was 14 or 15. I feel myself searching for the bottom to see where I can start rebuilding.

I'm beginning to get used to these growth spurts. At first, they were really painful, and they still are, but in a way that I can accept as necessary.

Ear Candy: NIN

This is for my cyberlover, PissBoy. I hate you. Like, a lot. And I want to cradle your organs in an Easter basket at Thanksgiving dinner.

Please to enjoy Closer.



Call me when you wanna blow up something.

Ear Candy (?): Europe

This is for you, Jules!

Do the Right Thing

If you haven't seen this movie yet, drop what you are doing. Right now.

Go!!! Geez.

Boo's Top Ten: Things I Want to See Change from Last Year to This Year

10. Oprah stops talking about how she constantly gains and loses weight.
Author's Note: For god sakes woman, you are the poster whale for yo-yo. JUST STOP OBSESSING, EAT THE DAMN COOKIES, and SHUT IT.

9. The Jonas Brothers go away as quickly as they came.
Author's Note: Which, as the legend goes, is pretty quick considering that they are slightly past the age of counting the number of pubes on their Ken dolls.

8. My economic stimulus package hurts. Stop the hurty.

7. Better and more viral videos than EVAR BEFORE.
Author's Note: This is sarcastic. Don't send me forwards. Don't send me videos, and then only write in the email, "You've GOT to see this." If you don't tell me what it is I'm about to look at, I won't look at.

6. No laying off. But lots of getting laid!!
Author's note: Um, do I really need to explain this one??

5. Travel to exotic locations.

4. Less hints from my grandmother about my getting knocked up.
Author's note: This would be heaven, except for the warning in my heart that this will never, ever happen. Ever.

3. Make a kickass movie.
Author's note: This is underway, and will hopefully have positive results by the end of the summer.

2. Me, on a label, with an album under my belt.
Author's Note: I'm counting on all five of you to promote the hell out of my music, when, you know, I write it and record it and start playing it all over the world. Yeah. So get on that.

1. A Happier Me!
Author's final note: Yes, this list is extremely self-serving. I would like to thank my local grocery store self-check out for the inspiration necessary to write such an amazingly insightful blog. I owe it all to you, machine that replaced the sweet old lady in a green apron.

AAAAND We're Back...

My mom is getting married.
I'm happy for her happiness.
That is all I will ever say about her again.

Hi Guys! Gosh, I really missed you all. I know, it has been a ridiculously long time since I have even tried to write anything here, and as usual I've been stretching myself too thin, but that is neither here nor there.

Lots has been going on with me, but I'm not sure that I'm going to over-indulge as I have in the past. It is starting to seem...strange for me. I have no idea why, but there it is. (I promise, if I have a good story, or I have to beat down another punk on the street or something, you'll be in the know.)


I'm feeling a lot of fresh energy now that our house is somewhat completed (pics eventually/maybe) and I'm ramping up for the next few months that should be pretty exciting. I'm working on a film project--TOP SECRET--and getting together with some excellent musician friends from school to record some music. Yes. Finally. THAT I will certainly keep you updated on, because who knows, I might be touring at the end of the year and maybe we could meet up for a beer and you could bring all your friends to my gig, and that would rock. So yeah, I'll keep you updated. Maybe even sneak some peaks if I can figure out how to get music files to play on my profile. (Anyone know a good widget or something? I'm so out of the hip blogging movement.)

Is it just me, or does this year seem to be brimming with possibilities? I know that the world seems very strained right now, but I feel a lightness on the horizon that I haven't felt in a long, long time. I couldn't honestly say that last time I felt this way, but I would guess that I was around 10 years ago, and that is a deadfully depressing thought. I feel a buzzing in my center that portends good things for me, and I intend to channel it into the dreams and wishes that I've always harbored but for one reason or another never went after. I think it is the right time now. I think I am finally ready.

No new year resolution. No fad diet. Just a simple reaching out for the dream. Reaching out to where I want to be. It is all I can do lately: imagine where I want to be, and who I want to be when I get there. And I have a very strong feeling that it is where I am meant to be.

Sorry if this is all a little woowoo, but I'm in a brain-spill phase and I don't mind being odd.

Speaking of odd, where the HELL is Alex???

Love to you all in the New Year.


-Boo