Showing posts with label asshats. Show all posts
Showing posts with label asshats. Show all posts

5.26.2009

Jose Can't-seco


Is there any doubt that this would be the result of Jose Canseco's odd career change to MMA fighting? Granted, a 7 foot 2 inch Korean opponent could intimidate anyone, but seriously...did he think he could win, even if he wasn't fighting a giant??

I mean, he couldn't even win a celebrity boxing match. Against Danny "Tiny T-Rex Arms" Bonaduce.

*At least he and Danny had a chance to trade recipes for counteracting the ball-shrinking effects of being douchebags. So there's your silver lining.

8.12.2008

Thanks for Playing

Just when I think he can't possibly do more to fuck up, Bush bends us over and gives it to us. Hard.

He's not an idiot. He is a manipulative elitist man-child bully in the schoolyard, pushing everyone around to see how much he can get away with. And goddammit, he is getting away with all of it. It isn't enough for him to send our troops into a meaningless war. It isn't enough that he is personally responsible for 4,000 American deaths; 100,000 dead Iraqi men, women and children; and 30,000 wounded and permanently maimed American soldiers. It isn't enough that he makes the people of our country weep and despair, hoping for a better time. It isn't enough that he cares for nothing but himself.

Now he is killing the very things that make our planet so awe-inspiring. The very things that he claims to believe God created. He is killing everything, and no one is doing anything about it.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. I HATE THIS GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKER! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKBASTARD FUCKER.

By way of Chez, here is his latest disregard for anything not, well, him.

For the last time: Someone give him a blowjob so we can fucking IMPEACH. IMPEACH IMPEACH IMPEACH.

3.18.2008

Boo's Top Ten: Pet Peeves

Hi! I'm Boo. I'm a bitch. Have we met?


10. People who chew food with their mouths open. Bonus points if you are extra noisy!!!

9. People who demand my time without contributing any of their own. Like, don't complain about me not calling you, if you never fucking call me either! Dick.

8. People who CHOOSE to be oblivious in public places. Yes, I've been standing behind your grocery cart that is blocking the entire aisle while you argue with someone on your cell phone about which brand of spaghetti is better. Yes, I've made eye contact with you about three times. What? A dirty look? Oh god, strike me down for the fear in my heart. Get out of my way, you douche.

7. People who treat service industry employees as slaves. As a former waitress: fuck you.

6. Politicians. As a general rule.

5. People who allow their young female children to have anything to do with Paris Hilton. As a future retiree: fuck you.

4. And on that note: celebrities that are famous for no exceptional reason. Oh, you're the daughter of the guy that got O.J. acquitted? Well, shove a stick up your ass and call you important. Twatburger.

3. Anyone who thinks "feminist" is a bad word. As a feminist: well, you know.

2. Pro-lifers. Wanting to save a cluster of cells, but supporting capital punishment, is a bit of a fucking conundrum, isn't it, you fucks? And BOMBING clinics that provide medical care to make a political statement about death? I just can't...

And the Number One MOST ANNOYING THING IN THE WORLD!!!!

Interrupters. Hey! Interrupters of the world: fah-q.



Moral of the story: I must hate people.

2.01.2008

The Word of the Day is Butt Cleavage

The only thing more absurd than Ice T's wife Coco and her GI-NORMOUS ASS is the fact that she's giving marriage advice on the same spread:


I have to say, the butt supports are very sensible. Who knows where that ass could be in 5 years without them?

Break Out the Crampons

Because Hell is freezing over as we speak:



I have officially purchased my ticket to Iceland. Geothermal baths, here I come!!!!

1.16.2008

A Brief Word from the Bitch Files

Since the Bears really took it in the ass this year, I kind of stopped caring about football season. But the bullshit that is piling up about the Dallas Cowboys simply must be addressed.

There are several pertinent points here, as follows:

1. Jessica Simpson does not have the ability to wield the kind of power it takes to make an ENTIRE PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL TEAM fail. Anyone who thinks the she does is clearly touched in the head, and probably already fondling her double D's. (I'm looking at YOU, Papa Joe.)

2. Tony Romo has already proven himself an idiot simply by affiliation, so to think that he could bomb a big game on his own is no fucking surprise.

3. Apologies in advance, but it's the Dallas fucking Cowboys. They haven't been good since the days when Kurt Cobain still walked the earth, Michael Jackson wasn't a child molester, and Arnold Schwarzenegger still pretended to act. So yeah.

The people who are blaming Jessica Simpson for the Cowboy's loss (ahem, national media) are, to put it mildly, retarded. (Thanks Texas! I mean, not only did you give us Bush, but remember, Jessica is one of your own.)

Oh, and also, TO, you are a pussy. This is why no one likes you. Not even Cowboys fans, and that IS scraping bottom. (Again, no offense meant, Cowboy fans. But truth is truth.)

8.23.2007

Vick the Prick: Re-do or No-do?


If you had asked me, maybe even as recently as three weeks ago, whether I would define myself as idealistic, I probably would have laughed in your face. Partly because I like to laugh in people's faces, but mainly because I am uber-judgemental. Lately, however, I have been repeatedly disappointed by American "role models", and I have to ask myself: Self? Are your expectations too high? Or are you simply a blind idealist?

I suppose if I answered that question right now, it would have to be both. My expectations must be off the charts, because I cannot condone this attitude of goodwill and forgiveness towards a person that mutilates another living being after using it for violent means. And apparently I must be a naive idealist, as I think public figures should create strong moral standards and be examples that we can point to as our leaders and role models.

I am, of course, talking about Michael Vick.

I certainly believe that people constantly evolve throughout their lifetimes, and I definitely believe in 2nd, 3rd, 4th chances. Hell, I've had my share. But there's a big gap between giving repeats to people who atone (ah, I hate that word) for their wrongdoings and people who want those repeats just because they think they should have them.

To be fair, I have heard nothing from Vick about being accepted back into the NFL. But I think he's the only one that hasn't expressed an opinion about it.

Vick has agreed to a plea bargain, guaranteeing prison time. He has agreed to plead guilty to several charges. He was the ringmaster in a disgusting and inhumane practice, the underground world of dogfighting. He mutilated animals: chopped off their heads, drowned them, and killed them in what resembles the anti-humane. (In my brash opinion, there is not a long way to go from mutilating animals to mutilating humans. Most serial killers would agree.) And that was after he forced them to fight, sometimes to the death, and certainly to the pain. He hasn't even gone to trial, and already there are those voices coming to his aid, urging our country to give him his re-do.

Well, I say fuck that.

Until he does his fair share of community work, work with animals, donating to charities, and the rest of that celebrity walk-of-humility (do they have rehab for animal abuse?) then I say he gets no second chance. Action, motherfuckers. Action, action, action.

So screw you R.L. White. Vick has to prove to me that he deserves to earn that multi-million dollar paycheck before he goes back to the NFL. He must make amends. And yes, I think it is fair to hold our public figures to a higher standard. They make the big bucks because they appeal to a huge part of the American public. With great power (money, media pull, corporate sponsorships) comes great responsibility, and if we don't hold our role models to these standards, we are undermining the moral codes that keep our society functioning.

In the words of a famous little man with a funny hat: Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

Some interesting commentary, from both sides, on this Michael Vick issue:
one from an asshat
one from a realist, with the a view of the bigger picture

Cheers! And love your animals.
Boo