10. Oprah stops talking about how she constantly gains and loses weight.
Author's Note: For god sakes woman, you are the poster whale for yo-yo. JUST STOP OBSESSING, EAT THE DAMN COOKIES, and SHUT IT.
9. The Jonas Brothers go away as quickly as they came.
Author's Note: Which, as the legend goes, is pretty quick considering that they are slightly past the age of counting the number of pubes on their Ken dolls.
8. My economic stimulus package hurts. Stop the hurty.
7. Better and more viral videos than EVAR BEFORE.
Author's Note: This is sarcastic. Don't send me forwards. Don't send me videos, and then only write in the email, "You've GOT to see this." If you don't tell me what it is I'm about to look at, I won't look at.
6. No laying off. But lots of getting laid!!
Author's note: Um, do I really need to explain this one??
5. Travel to exotic locations.
4. Less hints from my grandmother about my getting knocked up.
Author's note: This would be heaven, except for the warning in my heart that this will never, ever happen. Ever.
3. Make a kickass movie.
Author's note: This is underway, and will hopefully have positive results by the end of the summer.
2. Me, on a label, with an album under my belt.
Author's Note: I'm counting on all five of you to promote the hell out of my music, when, you know, I write it and record it and start playing it all over the world. Yeah. So get on that.
1. A Happier Me!
Author's final note: Yes, this list is extremely self-serving. I would like to thank my local grocery store self-check out for the inspiration necessary to write such an amazingly insightful blog. I owe it all to you, machine that replaced the sweet old lady in a green apron.