I'm feeling resolution. I'm feeling rebirth. I'm feeling discovery. I'm feeling awake.
Soon-to-be-ex Mister Boo came over on Saturday. We went through boxes that haven't seen the light of day in over two years—two years ago, we packed up our lives, moved out of my first home, and began the journey of trying to build one for ourselves.
It is strange to see a life in boxes. I could clearly see all the places he and I had been with one another; we built a quaint, happy little life in some ways. That was really nice to revisit. And it was also really nice to reclaim what was mine from that quaint little life. I tried. I tried to live a small life. I thought that I could be happy with what I had, and learn to live without what I didn't.
Oh, how sorely I underestimated the power of "Me." My drive and determination and my energy, and my need for...well, my need for speed, really.
I read through one of my old journals last night, with a glass of red wine in hand. It was from the period of time right before I got together with my S-T-B Ex. It was full of desperation and self-denial. It was full of problems about an old boyfriend. The same kind of problems that resurfaced in my marriage. I could see the patterns, finally. I could see how I once again jumped into a relationship without thoroughly examining what I wanted from it; rather, I just expected that because I felt "love" and "friendship" and was having a good time, that these things would magically work themselves out.
This is why I think that getting married was the second best decision of my life. I would never have grown as much as I have without it. I have perspective. I have insight into myself. I'm uncovering things within myself that I have hidden for many long years—far longer than my marriage, or any other relationship-based milestone. I have been hiding from myself for a very long time, and I think I have found the key to rediscovering that self. That "Me."
Going through the storage boxes was not painful in the least. In fact, he and I rather enjoyed it. We reminisced over odd and awkward wedding gifts that never left their packaging. We told stories about photos. We laughed over old jokes and personal moments. It was very healing. It was very good closure. (I found an old tattoo design that I've wanted for a long time, and it still speaks to me. I'm going to get it done as soon as I can figure out my finances.)
I have reclaimed my physical life, and my emotional life is following suit.