Yesterday Seems So Far Away

I'm in the midst of feeling like I'm riding a janky carnival ride. The highs are good: I'm getting back to myself, opening up in a way that I haven't before, reconnecting with the most excellent people. But some days, it feels like the bolts are loose, and things could just shake apart.

This last week was shaky. Man, was it shaky. It made me really question my expectations about the elements in my life, and now I'm forced to reexamine what it is I want.

That is such a hard question. What IS it that I want?

It seems so easy to answer in general terms. Happiness. Simplicity. Success. Health.
But what about specifics? Where do I want to be? What do I want to do? Who do I want to do that with? Where do I see myself in five years?

My aunt asked me that question a few days ago--where I want to be in five years. I could only half smile and shake my head. Five years? Hell, I don't even know where I want to be in the next five minutes. And the disturbing part of that is, I don't really care.

I just have to put one foot in front of the other. Live in the moment. Try to accept that there are no accidents.

That is so hard for me. I want everything spelled out--preferably in a nice font--and ready for me to embrace it. Right now it is like reaching out to embrace a puff of smoke.

But, like my mom once said: Leap and the net shall appear.

Aiieeeee.

The Wordle on the Street...

The Best Things to Do on a Weekend

In no particular order:

-Abita Strawberry Lager. Their seasonal spring beer. Not sweet, not too hoppy, just right.

-Make up sex. Enough said.

-Twin Peaks marathon with a virgin. Much thanks to TK and his spectacular review that prompted me to immediately buy the box set with the remainder of my money and not eat fish tacos for TWO DAYS because I was broke in the pocket. And it is so worth it.

-Wake up sex. Also enough said.

-Beautiful weather, mountains, lakes, dogs swimming, and sunshine.

-Lovely concert and dinner with my mom and her admittedly awesome boyfriend. He rocks. Mainly because he said I looked beautiful (I did) and that he loved my hair (as I do). So, clearly his tastes are impeccable. But that could have been declared for the mere fact that he is dating my mom. She is a piece, y'all. A serious piece.

-Sunday softball game in the rain. I caught two infield popflys, tagged a runner out at third, and had two singles! My hubs slid into home for a score, as well as killed at first base. We are the coolest couple ever.

-Taking a mental sick day on a Monday. Man, did my laundry ever need that one!

-Visiting the house site. I can't wait to start updating the blog with loads of house info that no one but me cares about. And that is the way I like it. Truly. (Although, I probably have some out-of-town friends that would appreciate an ACTUAL place to sleep when they come visit, rather than a beat down old air mattress and my dog licking them to wakefulness at 6am after a night of drunken mess and almost getting run over by a crazy old man in a red car. I'm watching you, crazy old red car driving man! I'm watching you....

Fish Tacos

I probably haven't written a complete sentence in this place for over a month, but I don't really plan on changing that immediately. My brain is only working in spurts lately. But there are a few things of interest (to me) and so I will impart:

-I donated blood yesterday. (High fives self). I have O negative blood, the universal donor, and I'm not a carrier for this certain "thing" (the nurse was very vague), so that means my blood can go to newborn babies! How cool is that?! It kinda makes up for my lack of wanting children. I'm helping babies every time I stick a needle in my arm! And seriously, how many people can say that? Not many, is the answer.

-The Orange Peel, our lovely local music club with kickass sound, was named one of the top ten clubs in the country by Rolling Stone. I guess that is a double-edged sword, because now things like this are happening: last week, we had Lou Reed (awesome). Today, we have George Clinton (also awesome). Yesterday, we had Hanson. Yes, the Mmm Boppers that were bound to come up as one-hit wonders on "I love the 90s." Even more of a punch in the coot: There was a line around the fucking block, starting Sunday night--the night before the show--of people lining up for it. "People" also means young teenage girls, teenage boys trying to get with said girls, and even younger preteen girls with very miserable-looking fathers in tow. And some people that looked like they would be more at home at a Clay Aiken concert. I took pictures, but it is too painful to repost, so use your imagination.

-I have eaten fish tacos everyday for the past week. And yesterday, I had them TWICE. Yes, they are delicious, but I have no true understanding for my addiction. On the plus side, I am drinking less beer. So that's good. I guess.

Hump Day Bullets

• I want more ink. Like, now. (That would be the tattoo type ink. Not, like, quill ink.)
  
• I usually love my job, but I have hit a huge motivation pothole, and it popped my fucking tires.
  
• Our house is a-getting built! Woooo hooo! The kitchen is going to have that cool half door where you can open just the top or just the bottom or both. I heart options!
  
• My friend Not-So-Modest Mouse is a baaaad blog updater, but an awesome fucking YouTube treasure hunter. Unicorn Planet HEYYY! And damn if I will ever NOT drink Guinness without a straw. Ever again.
  
• I'm itching to grow a garden and start canning. And making fresh salsa. And drinking margaritas.
• Me and hubs are going to Mexico HEYYY!

• My mom (guh, I can't believe I'm about to say this) asked me for advice about sex toys. shakes head violently to prevent mental images. FUCK. Didn't work. AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

For your viewing pleasure: Planet Unicorn HEYYY!

Vacation Blogging, Because Yes, I AM That Cool

So it comes down to this: I have no time in my normal life to keep a log of the numberous aspects of my normal life. I must go on vacation to find peace, solitude, and the opportunity to write. I have been overworked, overstressed, and now, on the first eve of my long-awaited reality-break, overly sick. Well, I exaggerate. Not OVERLY sick, just plain 'ol sick.

And I'm not totally done with work: I have a book shipping on Tuesday, which basically means I'm plugged in until then. Gah. But c'est la vie, ya know? Then, THEN, I have the rest of the week to myself. Me, my man, and my dog. On a remote island. For Thanksgiving. We plan on eating lots, drinking lots, doing a whole lot of nothing, and then more of the same. We arrived today, and already I feel like the weight of the world has, if not disappeared, shifted slightly off center, ready to tumble as soon as I shrug my hopefully suntanned shoulders.

It's been a while since me and the man have had a vacation—since our honeymoon, matter of factly. Since then, a lot has happened, and frankly I'm fucking exhausted. Sometimes I just want to shake free of the contemporary world, rid myself of posessions, and scamper away into the setting sun. Is that such a bad thing? I don't want to deal with other people's shit—work shit, friend shit, family shit, life shit. Sometimes, all I want to do is deal with my own shit for once. Of course, one could argue that my caring about the surrounding shit is my own choice, and that one would technically be right. But the reality of life is that we DO have to deal with ours and everyone else's shit; it is how the world functions. It is how a responsible individual is expected to behave, and when someone doesn't deal with their shit, they are usually dumping it on someone else to deal with. Now how is that ok? Answer: it is not.

So I think, since I'm equipped with a company laptop and nothing but time to be me, I will do a bit of vacation blogging. I'm learning to deal with my shit after being really good at dealing with other peoples', so now I think I need some "ME" time.

That, and I'm going to be doing more photography; something that has eluded me for quite some time, despite moments of clicking. There is a whole wide world inside myself to discover, and I'm ready to realize the fullness of that world. I'm already a fully-alive person; I can't imagine what I will be as soon as I give myself the permission to be it.

Watch out.

Weekend Update, For Better Or Worse

What a beautiful time of year to live where I live. The drought has created some water issues here, but on the bright side, the gorgeous autumn leaves have hung on for weeks! I thought last weekend was the peak, but this weekend proved me wrong.

Anyway, had a crazy good and somewhat weird weekend. Friday I had dinner with some lovely lady-friends, and then we went to a good friend's incredible art show. Her pieces are exquisite, and in my opinion create the perfect blend between science and art. Thoughtful, technically fantastic, and so so so creative. I own two of her pieces already, the hubs and I are in negotiations (with each other) about acquiring a third.

After the art show, we went to a CD release party and heard some awesome punk/pop music. Watch for this name: Bullets and Lace. And come ask me about way back when, ok? Just file that away for future reference. Good beer, good people, good music: good times. And then, drunken pizza eating at 2am.

Saturday: what the hell did I do on Saturday? OH! I put finish on the fantastic shelves my bebe is building for a client. I can't WAIT until he starts building awesome furniture for our new house, which better happen in the near future. I should be getting, in no particular order: a dining table, a bedroom suite (bed, sidetables, and lamps--glee!), and possibly a concrete countertop island for the new kitchen. Ga-LEE! FYI: my husband is a fine woodworker. Fine in SO many ways, but in this case meaning he does everything by hand. He does gorgeous work, people, and we can deliver. (Not-so-subtle plug for my bebe.)
So, a couple hours in the studio with my bebe, and then we showered, ate dinner, and watched a movie at a friend's place, on his GIANT screen TV in his own, personal viewing room. With refreshments. Ah, life is good.

After that, things took a turn for the strange. My husband is not much of a night person, unlike me, so he opted to go home and relax while I opted to go to a bonfire play-along with some friends. I didn't realize that this would be a bonfire of a SHIT TON of people, so I was mentally prepared to walk into the dark backyard and have to fight for seating space. That, and a person that I call a friend put moves on me, in a not very attractive or respectful way, so that was awkward, to put it nicely. I mean, he grabbed me in a hug and pulled me onto his bed! What the eff?? He was totally, obliteratingly drunk, but that is never an excuse for me. The best I can hope for is that he doesn't remember doing it, so we can just pretend it didn't happen. That, and I will never let myself be in a room alone with him. Gah. That shit just stinks.
Needless to say, I fled the scene, back to my loving husband, where I reveled in his warm, sleepy arms and sweetness. It never fails to make me appreciate the man in my life when weird shit like that happens. I appreciate him on a daily basis, actually.

Ok, quick tangent and I'll get back to talking about me. Girls, tell me something: do you ever get tired of the wolf-whistles, the stares, and the general trashy things that men do to get your attention? In my town, a lot of that goes on. Even the damn homeless guys. It's weird, they ask for change, and then give you the undressing-eyes look. Creepy. So yeah, it's times like that when I appreciate my uber-thoughtful, sensitive, artistic, atypical man more than ever.

Another tangent: I think I'm more masculine that my husband. I don't mean in terms of physicality, AT ALL. He's a hairy, well-formed (VERY well-formed, I must say) man with no tendencies towards fancery. I mean, it's all I can do to get him to wear a shirt with a collar if we go out somewhere nice. I'm speaking of masculinity in terms of attitudes and interests. Por ejemplo: I love sports, and during football season, my Sundays are spent plugged in, either at a sports bar with my brother or with a beer on my couch. He would rather take a bath, drink some tea, and read. (I do that stuff too, but just not on Sundays.) Also, I am a dirty old man. He is not. Ok, well maybe it's just the sports thing, then. I'm addicted to pro football and college basketball. Gah, tangent over.

So yeah, going home to my bebe was really comforting. God, I love that man.

Sunday, I was hung over. We met my mom and brother for brunch and the best bakery in the world, had delicious quiche, coffee, and soup, and talked about holiday plans (including the Green Mill Jazz Club in Chicago=HELLS YES). AND hubs and I saw our house plans. (We're building a house.) And they ROCK. I can't believe how lucky we are right now, to be able to do this. It is only the beginning. Me and hubs have SO many plans, and it is very fulfilling to see something come to fruition.

Ok, so brunch was great, and we went to the house site, and that was awesome (I found pink granite rocks all over the place! great energy), and then we went home and I crashed for what I thought was the rest of the evening. Oh, how wrong I was! The awesome, excellent, amazing hubs come home from the studio with two free tickets to see The Regina Carter Quintet, and we had less than an hour to eat dinner, get ready, and scoot. So we did. And DAYUM, that woman can play! Jazz violin is so rare these days, and she is single-handedly bringing it back. It was an amazing show. I commented to hubs that we have good damn luck when it comes to seeing great jazz music. The show was so fantastic, and it really made me want to start performing again (I used to sing jazz, back in the day), so if you live in my general area and you play jazz and are interested in getting a gig together, let's talk.

All in all, a good weekend. And now I need a weekend to rest from my weekend. Which happens to be my song and dance, as of late.

Cheers.

The "No Time or Energy to Post" Post

I'm slammed at work. Which is great, because the day goes by like...whatthafuck it's 4:30 already? But it can be a bit stressful too, and my therapist told me to remove all stress, so maybe that's just the excuse I need to go back to a mindless, non-challenging job like bartending or something.*

But with good things on the horizon, I'd have to be a major whiner to not be happy right now. As in, a kick-ass social calendar for the next month or so, and then wonderful fall beach vacation, and god, am I feeling THAT right now.

Also, this therapy thing has really helped my state of mind, and state of body. So yay.

I'm currently riding a wave that is somewhat similar to the wave I rode when I first lived by myself. It is helping me to remember why it is so awesome being an adult. Witness:

control over environment
self-sufficiency
do whatever the fuck I want
even illegal things! (GASP-sodomy)
not that I couldn't do the aforementioned in my parents' house, but it was certainly frowned upon

Also, I've been somewhat hibernating/living out loud, and it is a crazy and energizing mix. As in, staying out until 4am on a Wednesday night (WTF?) and then not moving from the house on Saturday. Relish.

And you know what? FUCK those stuck-up betches. They know who they are. (Ahhh, that felt so grade-school bitchy, and I love it.)

That's a very random and not-at-all related picture there, but I'm in a girl-love phase so I feel okay about it.


*My therapist said no such thing.

Morning (Or Mid-Morning, Actually) Thoughts

-A dislocated finger is no good for my softball skills. But I'm a kick-ass score keeper.

-The best thing about softball: after-beers at the bar.

-Fried jalapeno discs: not so spicy going in; WAAAAY too spicy on the exit.

-You know what I think it funny? Pooping in my work bathroom when someone else is trying to poop in the stall next to me. ALL kinds of poop-shyness occur. Unintentional hilarity.

-Coffee makes for a more spastic morning poo than tea.

-I love my new skirt from Anthropologie. Witness:













-Tonight I'm watching my TV drug: America's Next Top Model. Two words: Tyra's vag-pits.

Later,
boo