Yesterday Seems So Far Away

I'm in the midst of feeling like I'm riding a janky carnival ride. The highs are good: I'm getting back to myself, opening up in a way that I haven't before, reconnecting with the most excellent people. But some days, it feels like the bolts are loose, and things could just shake apart.

This last week was shaky. Man, was it shaky. It made me really question my expectations about the elements in my life, and now I'm forced to reexamine what it is I want.

That is such a hard question. What IS it that I want?

It seems so easy to answer in general terms. Happiness. Simplicity. Success. Health.
But what about specifics? Where do I want to be? What do I want to do? Who do I want to do that with? Where do I see myself in five years?

My aunt asked me that question a few days ago--where I want to be in five years. I could only half smile and shake my head. Five years? Hell, I don't even know where I want to be in the next five minutes. And the disturbing part of that is, I don't really care.

I just have to put one foot in front of the other. Live in the moment. Try to accept that there are no accidents.

That is so hard for me. I want everything spelled out--preferably in a nice font--and ready for me to embrace it. Right now it is like reaching out to embrace a puff of smoke.

But, like my mom once said: Leap and the net shall appear.

Aiieeeee.