Unresolved Resolution

Hi peeps. Thank you so much for your words of support while I go through this very strange time in my life. It means so much to me that I can 'hear' the words I need to hear, regardless of where they come from and from whom. I'm lucky to have such a fantastic support system.

The mom and I went to a two-hour mediation appointment with my therapist yesterday afternoon. I took the day off work to finish up some of the house things we started this weekend (which look freakin' awesome; pics soon), so I was able to spend the morning centering myself and feeling grounded. I think this was the most important thing I could have done prior to this meeting.

My therapist/counselor/spiritual guide is a truly gifted person. He knew we were both nervous, and started us out when we didn't really know where to begin. He started by asking what both of us thought the other might not understand about the situation. I wish I could do this all the time in my life when I encounter a conflict, because it is such a compassionate and non-loaded way of saying how you feel. I said mine, my mom said hers, and I think that was all it took. She finally saw why what she had done was so destructive--strangely enough, before this she really had NO IDEA that she had damaged our relationship so badly--and I saw how really screwed up she is right now. Well, not so much screwed up as she is confused and dealing with a lifetime of issues that have been constantly pushed away. Fifty-some years of not dealing tends to catch up to a person like fire in an oil drum; BOOM. I feel for her and what she is going through, but because of the events of the past month or so, I don't feel tied to her fate and responsible for her happiness like I have in the past. She is going through some shit; shit that she can't see her way out of right now, and that really sucks.

But what I came away with from this meeting was basically this: My mom is a scared, fearful, negative person right now (she hasn't always been), and the best thing she could have done for me was to kick me out. She didn't realize it was so hurtful, but because it was, it forced me to become completely detached and independent from her in a way that I never had before. At first I was so hurt and angry--which I still own and those feelings are mine, and I was reacting the way that I think most people would have reacted--but now I have some perspective. I also heard her saying that what she did had nothing to do with me, and that filled me with a sense of relief. One of the things I was dreading about this meeting was what my mom might say to me--my faults, maybe something I did that I didn't realize, stuff like that--and I am so glad that this situation came solely from her issues. I felt that this was about her from the beginning, but it is hard to pull yourself out of the equation when the person involves you so immediately in it. And I'm sure that there is something pretty selfish about my relief, but I also know enough about myself to not hold it against myself. I can't fix her. I can fix me. I work on it everyday. I look for opportunities to grow, even when it might be painful (like this mediation session), and so I know what I can do and what I can handle, and what I can't. I can't fix my mom, but I can have compassion for what she is going through. I can't fix it for her, but I can be there for her. I am approaching this from a place of love--letting go of my ego for a bit--and realizing that the things that happen to me are not necessarily about me. (Not that I would let her do something like this to me again, not at ALL; but now I know what to say to her if she does, and that is pretty empowering.)

And the two biggest things: She finally apologized, and I was able to hug her and tell her I love her, and really mean it.

Now, I hope that she can get through this crap she is going through and come out a better person on the other side. I see her desire to do that; she just doesn't know how to go about it. She will start seeing my therapist on her own, and I am hopeful that she owns who she is and fulfills all the potential within herself, because she is an amazing human being. I hope for her what I have found for myself over the last year: internal peace, personal understanding and acceptance, and a whole lotta self-love.

Therapy and Tattoos

Which sounds worse to you: needles poking into the skin over the majority of your back, or therapy?

Here is the current state of my tattoo work. Next is a half-sleeve on my upper right arm, and then probably a little filling in on the back piece. Like it? I fucking love it.

Last night was mine and the hubs first couples therapy session, and it was intense. I didn't realize how things that happened when I was a child affected my adult relationships, and to what degree. I have been really put off my therapists in the past. I had a horrible experience with a therapist right after my bio-dad passed away when I was 14, and that set the stage for how I have perceived therapy up to this point. This guy we are going to is really great. I was shocked at how much one session made a difference (not that we're stopping there, by any means). I am a sad, scared little girl, terrified of rejection with a wall of anger to protect myself.

It's funny, really. It puts so much into perspective for me. I have recently had a good friend cut off all communication with me, and I was trying to be respectful and give her space (with her giving me no reason whatsoever for this abrupt end to communicae). I had really been beating myself up about it, but now I see how much it has truly hurt me. I have been trying to be nonchalant about it, and tell myself that it doesn't bother me, but it really does. Rejection of that kind—no reason, no nothing—is one of the cruelest things a person could do to me, and I think this friend knows it. It is so sad.

Ironically, another friend did the same thing to me last year. No explanation, nothing. After I tried repeatedly to talk to her about what was going on (I literally had NO IDEA), she finally gave me this general "we are moving in different directions" explanation and that was that. God, it hurt so much. She was in my wedding, for christsakes.
And now this friend, whom I work with, and play softball with, and truly thought she cared about me as much as I did her. So it has not that easy for me to put it out of my mind.

I don't know, I guess it is her issue. But I can't know because she won't return my phone calls anymore. So here I am, feeling awful all over again, like a little girl, and my strong side keeps trying to protect that soft side of me.

Well, let me tell you, I was ready for a release, because I bawled like a baby at therapy yesterday.

So I guess tattoos hurt more than therapy, and rejection more than tattoos.