8.20.2007

Steven Spielberg: Fuck You

This is insane. I really thought I was the only one. Apparently not.

I have been traumatized by E.T. No, not that horrendous TV show dedicated to giving celebrities their daily blowjobs (although, as an adult, that shit truly is TERRIFYING). No, I'm talking about the Steven Spielberg movie from 1982 with the little brown alien that everyone thinks is so fucking cute. Yeah, that E.T.

I was a mere 2 years old when that movie came out, and one of my parents (probably my mom. bless her heart) took me to the theater to see it. Now, a 2 year old in a theater is bad enough, but if you remember that opening scene, (the one with the scary guys with flashlights and guns and the aliens with their creepy fingers and spaceship and then that little fucking alien running through the forest with the most horrible shriek I have ever heard!!!) then you know that it is pretty intense for a normal person, much less a 2 year old.

Let's just say I didn't stop screaming until my mom got me home. Seriously.

I had never seen the entire movie until this past December 31. Seriously.

Even seeing that creepy-ass face on a cereal box was too much for me, up until about a year ago. Seriously.

I had recurring nightmares about E.T. until I was 25. SERIOUSLY.

E.T. and me: not cool.

So, today I'm procrastinating and reading Pajiba, and I start looking at the comment thread (awesome way to pass the time, dudes) and the first motherfucking comment is this guy saying he was scared of E.T. Wow, I think, I've never heard of anyone else being scared of that. People (especially my FAMILY, assholos) always used to make fun of me (read:torture me) about this particular phobia (despite the fact that my brother used to have nightmares about ranch dressing, ha!) and for the longest time I really thought that I had some repressed childhood memory attached to E.T. that manifested itself in the form of terror.

Apparently, there is an entire generation of us that are scarred by the most lovable alien ever to be created for the silver screen. Spielburg, I'm forwarding my therapy bills to you. And I suggest that everyone else do the same. Motherfucker.

I mean, I'm sorry but THIS:










NOT CUTE.

If I saw something like that poking its face around a door, I'd either a. run away screaming or b. try to fight it and then run away screaming.

Or, at least I would have a year ago.

My husband took me to see this movie, all the way through for the first time, on December 31, 2006. Yep, just 8.5 months ago. It was playing at our local brew 'n view, and we were super bored, so we ate some mushrooms and went to see the movie.

And you know what? E.T. was a good movie. I was really surprised. After a lifetime of unexplainable terror, a crushing sensation in my chest just hearing those two little letters, a jump of fright in my stomach when inadvertently seeing its image, I was able to watch the movie and enjoy it.

But sometimes when the moon is just right, and my imagination decides to take hold of my brain functions, I can still hear the scritchscratch coming from the darkened bathroom and know that He's there, waiting for me.

GAH!!!!!!

5 comments:

  1. Poor widdle Boo-boo, all scaredsy of the...

    ...

    ...puppet.

    I'm kidding, of course. It's no stranger than being afraid of people's hands, as I confessed to in that same article.

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  2. My brother and I were probably the last two kids in STL to see ET, because a) I refused to see another movie in the theater with my uncle (refer to my comments on Pajiba) and b) the idea of an alien coming and living in my room scared the crap out of me and I had no interest in seeing it.

    Unfortunately, once we saw it and were no longer considered the backward folk of Mission Hills, my brother was labeled ET by everyone in our school, due to his breathing disorder and dark complexion.

    Yeah, I'm not a big fan of ET either--no matter how great the movie was.

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  3. Hottie McCutePantsAugust 21, 2007 at 3:52 AM

    OMG LOL. I just totally had a Meredith flashback. We talked about this one time. I had never seen it either and if I recall, I think we bonded over this. I was terrified of him, even though I have, somewhere, and ET doll that I carried around everywhere with me, when I was a wee gayling. I think I have seen it once since then, around when my ex of 3 years, Sarah, and I were dating. She made me watch it. I am 100% fine, until I get to the part where ET gets sick and starts turning white and screeching and then I have to stop watching. Is this weird coming from a girl who adores Stephen King and any kind of horror movies? It just makes no sense. None at all. DAMN YOU ET, DAMN YOU TO HELL!

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  4. I feel your pain, I seriously and truly do. I fucking hate ET, I can't even think about the movie without shuddering. That evil little alien haunted my childhood nightmares.

    Also: fear of puppets is entirely justified and completely normal.

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  5. tk: people's HANDS?? wow, I missed that one. better go back and catch up. Jesus, you know that says something very strange about your infancy...

    girlwithcurioushair: i feel your brother's pain. when i was born, my aunt said i looked like yoda, and that has been one of my nicknames ever since. gah.

    hottie: i think it is totally normal for people who adore scary movies to be utterly terrified by a baby alien. TOTALLY NORMAL.

    alex: hmmm, interesting. maybe it is a combination fear of aliens AND puppets. that justifies (slightly) a bit of the paralyzing fear i feel. i came back and looked at this post, and my head jerked a little when i looked at the picture i had put up. *hangs head in shame*

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Spit it, betch!