I'm a Dirty Dirty Girl

HA HA HA! I love that pic. No, I'm not talking about that kind of dirty. (I just wanted to shock you.) I'm talking about being dirty, literally, on the inside.

So I've been thinking about doing a colon cleanse lately (I know, I know, it sounds SO retarded-socialite-with-nothing-to-do), but I'm not talking about the shoving a tube up my ass and having my shit sucked out version. I'm talking about the herbal fast and detox version, which, rumor has it, makes you poop like this. (WARNING! DO NOT VIEW WHILE EATING, OR WHILE THINKING OF EATING, OR GETTING READY TO EAT.) Gah. Gah gah gah gah gah! The only thing that horrifies me more than those images is the prospect that something like that could be inside of me. And I want it out!

I am a fairly healthy person; I try to eat as many veggies as possible, I usually go for the salad over the french fries, and I NEVER eat fast food. (Seriously, the last time I did was years ago, and it wasn't pretty.) So I figure I'm in good shape. But I haven't always been (read: college) and I do drink alcohol fairly regularly (read: almost daily), so I've been thinking about it.

When I was in college, I worked at a co-op, and many of my co-workers swore by the Master Cleanse thingy, which basically consists of drinking nothing but a concoction of organic lemon juice, organic maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and water for 10 to 13 days. But, then again, I was in college, and the idea of intaking nothing but gourmet lemonade did not appeal in the least.

So now I'm older (certainly) and wiser (questionable, but I think so) and I want to take care of my body for the long haul. So I'm thinking about this cleansing idea.

Anyone ever tried it before?


  1. Well. That was... graphic.

  2. First of all. That poop. It looks like hanging meat. I can't believe that one guy shit into his colander. I hope he immmediately buried it or something.

    Second. I tried that lemonade thing once. You might be more successful than I was...I lasted until dinnertime. So, about 12 hours. Heh heh. I don't know how people don't get hungry on these fasts. I like the idea, though, of getting all that old crap out of the body.

  3. Well I guess we all now know why there was never an ET 2 Hu, but now he's back.....

    I think this is something everyone should try at least once in their life.

  4. Re: Shocking photo - it made me giggle when it came up on my reader screen.... although the effect was slightly diminished by me having to rapidly shut down my screen as my boss walked in, then somehow hitting the full screen key and cursing profusely the entire time.

    Let nobody say you don't have a profound effect on your readers.

    Also: Gross. I'm so never eating again.

  5. Why do I have a sudden craving for bacon?

  6. Ditto to what Alex said. Try explaining your funny new blog find after THAT picture on your work laptop...

    I was afraid of any link related to that general topic. Ewww.

  7. I cant..... is that... *tilts head to side like RCA Victor doggie*... Are you sure all that stuff is "in" you and not just the things you are ingesting congealing an already normal bowel movement? If your intestines were truly lined with all that, I don't think you'd absorb any nutrients at all. Either way you slice it..... ick. Keep us posted how it works. I'd try it ( after you) on a dare.

  8. tk: hee.

    effina: it does, i know. that's why i'm kinda skeptical. oh, and i probably would last about 2 days MAX on the lemon thing. i think. unless i was really inspired, and i didn't see any food at all. so robb would have to do it with me. gross. our toilet would be unbelievable.

    mac: ET?!? GAH.

    alex: hee!!

    virg: that is just SICK dude.

    girlwithcurioushair: yep, it is soon to be a classic. the pic, that is. you saved yourself from some seriously gross shit. literally.

    cunning linguist: see, i don't know, that's what i'm trying to discover. but even if it does just congeal a regular bowel movement, i would totally do it. i mean, who doesn't want to poke around at THAT in their toilet bowl? i'm such a poop detective anyway, so it just helps my natural curiosity. if i do it, i'll blog it. but my finances are making me choose things like buying food over flushing it out right now, so it'll be a bit.

  9. I'm no organic scientist ( well, actually I am but not for sake of this comment) but, I'm likely to believe the ascorbic acid would congeal any organic matter in the tract to form it like that. I'm not saying it has no truth or base of actually working. I don't know what I'm saying I guess.......

    Ick? *shrugs*

  10. oh yeah, it's a liquid fast, too, so after a few days, would there even be any real 'matter' to speak of? cause i heard it keeps coming out...

    seriously, inquiring minds want to know.

  11. I strongly suggest that you read this discussion before you begin (particularly 3/4 down the page):


  12. ok. i'm convinced. $80 bucks my ASS! (ha ha. see what I did there?)

  13. I'll admit if they had a Draino® for your body, I'd have a tall glass with ice on a hot summer day.

    Enemas have always intrigued me; the idea of a fresh, clean start is detoxicatingly hopeful.

    But Americans have become absolutely obsessed with irrigation. Whether its a cleansing liquid diet fast, an enema, or a handful of horse pills to help keep your intestines moving - spooking us with statistics about 40 pounds of undigested meat in the average mans guts.

    I'm guilty of it, too. I've swallowed giant plastic coated pills that resembled like those instant sea monkey capsules, hoping they'd clean me out. Was a tiny spongy sea monkey going to get to work pressure washing my insides once the capsule dissolved?

    In other forms of emblematical irrigation; we're obsessed with oil changes, credit reports and debt dissolution - bankruptcy - we need to clean it all out. Engine flushes, transmission washes - clean it out, make it like new, we've gotta flood it with water like a groundhog's burrow and make it clean - chase out all the debris - "smoke 'em out" like John Wayne would say - turn the lights on the bugs and swab the decks.

    But why are we obsessed with irrigation and detoxification? We all crave the confidence and a peace of mind of a "fresh start". Programs that'll clean out the small intensines of your computer; an virtual enema for your hard drives... viruses RAUS! Skin care products, peel that dead skin off and clean those pores, people! If there were a cream that could clean your skin, leaving behind only smooth bone and skull, I bet some of these loons would spread that shit on like jam on a crumpet. Ah, so fresh, "Julie your cheek bones are so smooth and, well, exposed!"

    Are we're so bogged down with responsibilities, bills, paranoia and fear that something wired animal inside us inherently attracts us to a morbid fascination with self-cleansing, resurrection and sweat lodges?

    Even I've been to the Russian Bath Houses. A friend of mine took me behind an old school house and sold me on the idea like a pusher and a bag of drugs. She said how great my skin would feel afterwards, how you could really feel all the toxins leaving your body as you laboured inside these barbaric wooden furnaces. And I sat there like a nut, in a toothpaste turquoise robe and laboured, thinking only of the finish line. And, she was right, I left that place glowing. My skin had a shine to it I'd never seen before and my spirit felt like it'd been through a brushless car wash.

    Think about "3 wishes"; about cats and "nine lives"... fuck it all up; eat fifteen chocolate cannolis, do some heroin, fuck your fiancees sister, steal a Rolls-Royce, drive it off the Brooklyn Bridge and wake up the next day like nothing happened.

    Think about your boy Jesus, and the rebirth and resurrection, maybe that's why we're all so into that dude. He was the first guy to get a fresh start.

    Why do we find such solace in these restart buttons?

    Why are we intrinsically drawn to cleaning ourselves out?

    Are we drunk on the pregnant promise of an endless new day always at our fingertips? I think so.

    I'm sure theres a search for the fountain of youth buried in these words somewhere but this has gone on too long already.


Spit it, betch!