Barry Bonds: Fuck You
Dear Barry Bonds,
I would like to give you my heartfelt congratulations on beating a record. We all know what a legend Hank Aaron is and always will be; you must feel so accomplished to have beaten his career home run record.
You know, some people might say that you cheated. I am not one of those people. I strongly believe that performance-enhancing drugs are just the ticket to getting your name in the Baseball Hall of Fame; I don't see what the big friggin deal is, really. We live in a country of opportunities, and for all the young black men struggling to create a good life for themselves, you are such an incredible role model. I hope that all the kids playing ball around the country look to you as an icon of what a professional sports player should be: drug user, liar, cheater, and all around general jackass.
Not that you didn't have talent before the good ol' roid days—you did. But why stop there? Why be satisfied with good, when you could be legendary?? I totally get it.
Congratulations Barry. You deserve it.