A Year in Review: Boo Rooz*
There are a few things you should probably know about me for all this to make a bit more sense. That, or I just want to ramble about myself, so yeah.
1) I am an Aries. In fact, I was born on the first day of Aries. Do you know what Aries is? Fire sign, impetuous, self-involved, and all-around cool. But I didn't get too much of that last one.
2) I am the Year of the Monkey. Monkeys are intelligent, capable, and capable of incredible manipulation. And I got that last one. Oh yeah. But just as Superman is blessed with seeing through shit, I choose to use it only when it is necessary; not even time I want to see my hubs' underwear through his pants (which, incidentally, has happened a lot lately).
3) My birthday is tomorrow. And per my lovely friend Curious, it sometimes coincides with Nu Rooz, the Persian New Year. And I'm way to into "me" to remove myself from the equation.
Anyway, with the above factors in mind, I am writing a post today about my new year, from last birthday to this. Thus, "Boo Rooz" is born.
Last year's birthday, I have now deemed as "Great (Fucked Up) Expectations." I came to work in a wonderful mood. I looked great. I was certain I was going to get that promotion I had been gunning for--and virtually promised to me--since I started working at The Workplace. Well, long story real fucking short: the promotion was denied (not by my awesome boss, but by the higher powers that be) and it rocked me. How could that be?? I had been performing at a high level, and had been doing the job description for the better position since I started working there two years prior. They basically said "No Way" right in my face.
It was a real downer. I mean, real. I almost cried, and I NEVER cry at work. Except in the bathroom.
I go home after work, looking for people to be extra specially nice to me, and low and behold, my birthday has been forgotten. Even my Mom, who, to her credit, called me that night around 9pm, pretending she didn't forget. (Usually she calls me at the exact time I was born, 3:33pm, so I was, you know, expecting it.)
And we're not going to talk about what my husband did for my birthday. Because I might have to retroactively kill him. And I have high expectations (I know, I'm a sucker for punishment) for this year, so that can't happen.
Thus, the year of Great (Fucked Up) Expectations.
The year that followed in the wake of Boo Rooz 2007 was pretty shit, actually. And you can read about (most of) it in the archives, that start in June. But let's sum it up this way:
Work Life: Overworked and under appreciated
Home Life: Fights with every member of my family, no home, fleas, craziness
Social Life: Heavy drinking, hardships with friends
Internet Life: Better than real life (I now see how people can spend hours and hours accomplishing nothing but creating bonds with people you've never met or seen in "real" life.)
And as things currently stand, they look shitty again. My hubs and I are in dire straits (the D word has been thrown around more than once in the last six months--arg, and we haven't had sex in almost a month--double arggg), our house is nowhere near finished, my good friend moved away last weekend, and through therapy, I realized that I have been depressed for going on 2 years. (I'm the "cover it with a smile and a joke" kind of person. I'm starting to discover this isn't as healthy as I once thought...)
God, I am on a tear. I understand if you haven't read this far; I can't stand it when people bitch about stuff like this, because really, it is LIFE, and shit happens. But you caught me feeling vulnerable, hopeful, and purge-y all at once. And if you have read this far, then you might as well stick with it, because it gets better. I think. I'll let you know when we get there.
I happen to know that I live a charmed life. Yes, shitty things happen, but I was born equipped to deal with whatever comes my direction, so in that way, I feel strong. I have an amazing support system that I have slowly cultivated, and I draw on that strength when I feel weak, and in that way, I feel strong.
So, the good things about this past year. Well, I have started playing music and singing more often. And in fact, I have been writing lately, and the last two songs to come from my heart are pretty amazing. I'm already composing the orchestral support to my little piano and voice.
Another good thing: the aforementioned therapy. Me and the hubs have been going since last fall, and I have never felt more secure in knowing myself, knowing what I want, and feeling like I have the tools to create the life I seek. Empowerment, in a word.
Another good thing: good friends. Wonderful friends, actually. My friends inevitably become my family in many ways. I tell them things that I could never say otherwise, with the knowledge that they won't judge me--at least not openly. :) That is so refreshing.
Another good thing: I got that promotion this past October, so that was nice. Six months late, but better late than never, I guess.
Obviously, there are good things happening for me. I think that is directly related to my inability to give up, or slow down, or take no for an answer, or even pretend for a moment that I'm wasting what amazing gifts are out there, if I just reach out for them.
My mom, when I graduated from college, gave me a card. It simply said, "Leap, and the net shall appear." I have carried that thought with me since that day, even though I've always been the "leaping" kind. It reminds me to go with my heart, because those desires and motivations and instincts are there for a reason. I'm learning to hear myself again, to trust myself again, and to love myself again.
So this year, on my birthday, tomorrow, I'm taking the day off work.
I'm getting unwanted hair waxed at my local day spa, which I love. It makes me feel so clean.
I'm going home and pampering myself with a facial, a manicure, a pedicure, a body scrub, and any other awesome product that I might find at Target tonight.
I'm treating myself to a delicious lunch, complete with champagne and dessert.
And I'm doing it alone. Just me. No parties, no congregation (well, at least not during the day), no fanfare. Just me and my head. Me loving my body.
And then my ladies are coming over for a night of music, wine, cheese, guilty pleasure, and hopefully lots of laughing and good times.
Wish me luck.
*moniker courtesy of my birthday twin, Curious P.