Big changes in the coming weeks.
New bed.
New living situation.
New plans.
Big ideas.
Big moments.
A master closet all to myself.
A gorgeous house all to myself.
A gorgeous life -- all to myself.
I can afford to be a bit selfish for a while.
I feel like I can take a full breath again.
7.24.2009
7.23.2009
The Honest Truth
"I knew who you were when I asked you to marry me...I knew you were complicated. Challenging."
I stand there silently, watching his face while he searches for the words.
"I thought I could handle you. But I couldn't even handle me handling you."
He looks so sad. My heart wrenches with the truth of it. It's probably the most honest, real thing he's ever said to me. I feel hot tears start to fall down my cheeks.
"I know."
I stand there silently, watching his face while he searches for the words.
"I thought I could handle you. But I couldn't even handle me handling you."
He looks so sad. My heart wrenches with the truth of it. It's probably the most honest, real thing he's ever said to me. I feel hot tears start to fall down my cheeks.
"I know."
7.22.2009
Wait, WHAT?
He's not seeing someone.
He's sleeping with her, though.
Apparently he's not ready for a relationship. I wish he had told me that five years ago.
But you know what he IS doing? Moving out.
He's sleeping with her, though.
Apparently he's not ready for a relationship. I wish he had told me that five years ago.
But you know what he IS doing? Moving out.
7.21.2009
Stress Dreams, Cont.
A restless night last night, but full of intensely stressful dreams about my separated husband. We are still sharing a house, but he wasn't home last night, and I'm beginning to think he is seeing someone.
It's been a month.
What. The. Fuck.
Today has already been a challenge to not cry at work. I hate crying at work. And I've had to push it back all day long.
It's been a month.
What. The. Fuck.
Today has already been a challenge to not cry at work. I hate crying at work. And I've had to push it back all day long.
7.13.2009
People Watching in the Airport
4:28pm
WHOA freaky dude with the face tattoo. Freaky OLD dude with a face tattoo. What is that? (Puts glasses on for long-distance inspection).
OH MY GOD. It is a burning cross. I can't make out the letters beneath it, but three of them look like K's. Dear. Sweet. Lord.
4:31pm
Sitting in a bar, drinking better-than-piss-I-guess beer. Am only woman in bar. Weird.
WHOA freaky dude with the face tattoo. Freaky OLD dude with a face tattoo. What is that? (Puts glasses on for long-distance inspection).
OH MY GOD. It is a burning cross. I can't make out the letters beneath it, but three of them look like K's. Dear. Sweet. Lord.
4:31pm
Sitting in a bar, drinking better-than-piss-I-guess beer. Am only woman in bar. Weird.
7.10.2009
Geez Subconscious. Give me a Freakin' Break.
I had yet another sex dream about the soon to be ex Mister Boo last night. This is the third one in two weeks.
...
What the fuck, brain?
...
What the fuck, brain?
7.07.2009
I'm Feeling Rough I'm Feeling Raw I'm in the Time of My Life
The Good: Swimming in the lake. Fresh cherries and boiled peanuts. Long, lazy girl-talk on floats. Driving fast, with the wind blowing through my hair. Great music. Dancing like a maniac until I'm dripping with sweat and a smile that I can't shake. Laughing with my best friends. Sleeping in late. Real late. Fireworks from the ridge of a rooftop. Sparklers. Sitting at a bar, drinking a beer by myself. Getting hit on (???) five times in 10 minutes. Lazing around in my friend's beautiful home, reading magazines and talking shit.
The Bad: Saying goodbye to a friend. Safe travels, love. Visit often and repeat frequently.
6.26.2009
Thanks, Captain Obvious.
Sometimes my subconscious is like, soooo totally obvious. I mean, I really like those dreams I have where I wake up and say to myself, I say, "Self? What the eff was that?? What does that mean?? Am I secretly a man trapped in a woman's body??" And that bitchy self never answers.
But last night, my dreams were pretty see-through. One was about my soon to be separated from husband coming my (our old) room and saying, "Let's have sex one last time." Well, yeah, ok. Pretty clear. I'm terrified of being alone, not being sexually attractive, not having a partner I trust--all these things that have been building up in me with my so to be ex over a period of years. Great, subconscious. I get it. (Luckily in the dream, we almost did, and I then I came to my senses and refused because I knew it would set me back from all the progress I've made over the last week. Man, I am even rational in my DREAMS! Why couldn't I just have had the dream sex?)
The next dream was a group of people sleeping over at this really gorgeous man's killer house. We are all lounging around, someone was playing with my hair. Everyone was beautiful and sexy and sexual, even though there was no hanky panky. Ok, subconscious, again, I think I get it. This is my ideal. Awesome people attracted to me. Many awesome people. Sweet. (God, why couldn't I have had dream sex in THAT dream??? Sometimes my subconscious can be such a prude. Jeez.)
The next dream was about my extended family, and telling my grandparents--the ones that have been pushing me and soon to be ex to make a baby being--that we are getting divorced. Painful. And this dream was full of strangness. For starters, my grandfather was this king of carnival-type that was guessing people's weight, and he put me about 20 pounds over what I am. Harsh. And then my uncle was telling me he was getting divorced from my aunt, who happened to be his sister. I mean, we are Southern, but we ain't trash, ya know? And then my uncle started to sign his divorce papers and turned into my dad. Whoa. Subconscious, I get where you are going with this, but did you have to jumble it up so much? My father figures have disappeared from my life and now the only ones left are either hurting me or unstable.
Good grief. No, that should BAD grief. Bad grief! Bad! Go to your room!
But last night, my dreams were pretty see-through. One was about my soon to be separated from husband coming my (our old) room and saying, "Let's have sex one last time." Well, yeah, ok. Pretty clear. I'm terrified of being alone, not being sexually attractive, not having a partner I trust--all these things that have been building up in me with my so to be ex over a period of years. Great, subconscious. I get it. (Luckily in the dream, we almost did, and I then I came to my senses and refused because I knew it would set me back from all the progress I've made over the last week. Man, I am even rational in my DREAMS! Why couldn't I just have had the dream sex?)
The next dream was a group of people sleeping over at this really gorgeous man's killer house. We are all lounging around, someone was playing with my hair. Everyone was beautiful and sexy and sexual, even though there was no hanky panky. Ok, subconscious, again, I think I get it. This is my ideal. Awesome people attracted to me. Many awesome people. Sweet. (God, why couldn't I have had dream sex in THAT dream??? Sometimes my subconscious can be such a prude. Jeez.)
The next dream was about my extended family, and telling my grandparents--the ones that have been pushing me and soon to be ex to make a baby being--that we are getting divorced. Painful. And this dream was full of strangness. For starters, my grandfather was this king of carnival-type that was guessing people's weight, and he put me about 20 pounds over what I am. Harsh. And then my uncle was telling me he was getting divorced from my aunt, who happened to be his sister. I mean, we are Southern, but we ain't trash, ya know? And then my uncle started to sign his divorce papers and turned into my dad. Whoa. Subconscious, I get where you are going with this, but did you have to jumble it up so much? My father figures have disappeared from my life and now the only ones left are either hurting me or unstable.
Good grief. No, that should BAD grief. Bad grief! Bad! Go to your room!
6.24.2009
This Raspberry's for YOU!
This was my (admittedly crap) horoscope today:
"You can't make people do your bidding at the wave of a magic wand, no matter how much you might want to. They are still going to behave badly, act rudely, be tense or excitable. Just because they love you doesn't mean they are automatically always good to you."
Ha. Stupid horoscope. I already knew that one!! So HAAAAAAAAAA on you.
*tthhhbbptttt*
"You can't make people do your bidding at the wave of a magic wand, no matter how much you might want to. They are still going to behave badly, act rudely, be tense or excitable. Just because they love you doesn't mean they are automatically always good to you."
Ha. Stupid horoscope. I already knew that one!! So HAAAAAAAAAA on you.
*tthhhbbptttt*
6.22.2009
Already Dead
I am barely holding it together at work today.
I was feeling better last Thursday--not great by any means, but I could actually say the words to my friends "my husband and I are separating" without breaking down. Then I had a slammed weekend full of distraction.
Now I'm back to a somewhat normal reality and I feel like the sky is crashing down on me. I'm being dragged to the center of the earth with a gravity so strong I can't even pretend to be alright. Every time someone asks me if I'm ok, I pretty much lose it. I am a fucking mess.
God, I hope it fucking gets better than this. I have pretty much had it with heartache and pain. I'm fucking sick of this. Sick of feeling so fucking lost and choked. I have a rotation of cold face packs to keep me from looking like a bloated corpse when I walk into work.
It has to get better. Right???
I was feeling better last Thursday--not great by any means, but I could actually say the words to my friends "my husband and I are separating" without breaking down. Then I had a slammed weekend full of distraction.
Now I'm back to a somewhat normal reality and I feel like the sky is crashing down on me. I'm being dragged to the center of the earth with a gravity so strong I can't even pretend to be alright. Every time someone asks me if I'm ok, I pretty much lose it. I am a fucking mess.
God, I hope it fucking gets better than this. I have pretty much had it with heartache and pain. I'm fucking sick of this. Sick of feeling so fucking lost and choked. I have a rotation of cold face packs to keep me from looking like a bloated corpse when I walk into work.
It has to get better. Right???
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