Brain Growls

My mother has officially made me and my brother less important than her boyfriend. I was concerned that this might happen, but didn't give it actual credence. I had planned a really nice Mother's Day outing for all of us--at her behest I invited the boyfriend.

We were going to take a picnic lunch to our local Arboretum for their annual dahlia show, take a nice, long walk, drink wine spritzers, etc. It was to be lovely.

But, her boyfriend is not feeling well, and has canceled his appearance. So my mom decided to go out of town for the weekend. Apparently it is not possible to still have a lovely outing without him.

Brain growl number one.

My grandmother is laying the guilt on really heavy. Me and the hubs have been married for almost two years, and she refuses to relent on her Boo Must Bear a Child Campaign, Now That She is Married. Clearly, what the fuck else should I do with my time?? Not progress my already fruitful career. Clearly, not create a deeper and more meaningful relationship with the man I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with. Clearly, not build a gorgeous house at the age of 28, be completely debt free, and financially prosperous. Clearly, not have a life that I want. I don't want children. I love children, but I don't want to have them. And she refuses to listen. I am getting an increasing number of voicemails and emails, and she never fails to bring it up. NEVER.

Brain growl number two.

Ok, I guess those are the only two brain growls. Everything else is fucking fantastic. The house is going along swimmingly, I'm involved in all kinds of creative ventures, me and the hubs are having THE BEST sex ever, and it is spring. It's not all growls.

Clearly, I use the word clearly too much, and I am spoiled.



  1. Conversation with my dad (four years ago):
    GWCH: So what are you doing, Dad?
    Dad: Me? Oh nothing. I have nothing to do. Unfortunately, I'm not like Mr. J who is taking his grandchildren to the park. I have no one to go to the park with.
    GWCH: You never took us to the park, Dad.
    Dad: Young lady, I have worked my whole life and in my twilight years I deserve grandchildren!

    Now the whole family and our old neighbors are in on the act. I may have to borrow someone's child for a while...

  2. The boyfriend says he's sick three whole days before the fact? Shenanigans! That sounds... Well, that sounds like some bullshit excuse I'd use to get out of doing something with my parents.

    My family gave up on me having kids when I was like eight, I think. Sometimes it's just clear when someone doesn't have that maternal instinct. At any rate, we are totally gonna have to trade house pictures, lady!

  3. Maybe you should tell her you are addicted to fish tacos. Let her brain growl for a moment.

    Oh wait, she isn't like me.

    Wait, isn't this the same woman who was asking those sex questions? You don't think she dumped you guys for some nookie, do you?

    Oh my God, your mother totally bailed on you so she could get laid! She is a total college-age dude now! Ha ha!

  4. Brain growls indeed!

    My Mother continually tells me I'd better not have children because she'll have to look after them and she doesn't want to. She says if I do leave them with her, her husband will feed them additive filled sweets and caffeinated drinks right before they are due to come back to me as payback for all the hangovers I've given him. Pah.

    I'm seconding the call of shenanigans. Unless he has, like, cholera or something.

  5. Just keep repeating to yourself that these people's actions have nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Meddling!

  6. Ha! I know what YOU are dealing with right now, so I will certainly take that advice. Thanks shug.

  7. Look, here's what I told people who got all in my business about having kids:

    "I will have kids only if I can lay an egg and sit on it for nine months."

    Generally that weirded people out enough to stop asking. Because really, one's uterus and whether or not one wants it to be occupied is some private shit.

    Of course, then I went and had a kid. And everyone to whom I had told the egg line to laughed and reminded me of what I had said.

    I simply said, "Red herring, sucka."

  8. Just tell your mom the Duggar family is taking care of the childbearing for you and invite her to take one of THEIR 17 kids out for ice cream or something.

  9. Re: the boyfriend
    My mom and I went through something similar when she first started dating again. I had to spill the beans about her surprise party to get her to come. And you better believe I still give her sh*t whenever she even thinks about crossing the line again.

    So there is hope.

  10. Yes! There is hope.

    I had a conversation with her about this issue, and it went really well. I think we both know where the other is coming from, and are compassionate about it.

    I love my mom. She rocks.


Spit it, betch!