How to NOT Build a House

1. Hire a contractor.

2. Make sure said contractor is disguising a serious mental imbalance.

3. Make plans with contractor.

4. After he completes the foundation, make sure he waits at least 6 months before doing anything else to the house.

5. Try to call contractor repeatedly. Make sure he does not call you back.

6. Fire contractor.

7. Re-hire contractor after he has a breakdown, loses 40 pounds, tells you his wife has breast cancer, and that he has crews lined up and waiting to work on your house.

8. Hear nothing from contractor for another month.

9. Call contractor; leave him a message. Make sure he doesn't call you back. Ever.

10. Find out that contractor has a b12 imbalance, and was rushed to the hospital.

11. Hear from contractor's wife. Make sure she blames you for his health problems.

12. Discover the contractor has been committed to a mental institution and has no contact with his family.

13. Re-fire contractor.

14. Hire new contractor.


  1. IMO, it's far too boring to do it any other way!

  2. Aaahhh!! It's scary how people can hide their fucked-uppedness (sp?).

    Here's hoping you'll have a happy, well built home in the near future.

  3. Holy shit, dude.

    And that's all one can really say on the matter.

    I hope you have better luck with the next contractor sweetness!

  4. why is everyone else crazy?

  5. Ack, you're building, too? Well I can't compete with your issues, but our construction resulted in the most nervewracking year of my entire life. We let our contractor break ground and start the foundation before we got our loan approved from the bank. So smart! Then they threatened not to approve us and gave us ungodly amounts of shit, holding up everything for six months. It was awesome.

  6. Holy smack. What it is about the contracting profession that attracts the real Secret Squirrels?

    With stellar examples such as these, I'd think twice before hiring someone to build me a dog house.

  7. Awww, stinkerrific. This reminds me of a time when I was about ten, and my parents had to hire a contractor to fix the roof after a tornado. He got drunk and fell off of it. And then tried to sue them. Anyway, I hope the new hire is made of sunshine and awesomeness.


Spit it, betch!