Weekendings

I'm feeling resolution. I'm feeling rebirth. I'm feeling discovery. I'm feeling awake.

Soon-to-be-ex Mister Boo came over on Saturday. We went through boxes that haven't seen the light of day in over two years—two years ago, we packed up our lives, moved out of my first home, and began the journey of trying to build one for ourselves.

It is strange to see a life in boxes. I could clearly see all the places he and I had been with one another; we built a quaint, happy little life in some ways. That was really nice to revisit. And it was also really nice to reclaim what was mine from that quaint little life. I tried. I tried to live a small life. I thought that I could be happy with what I had, and learn to live without what I didn't.

Oh, how sorely I underestimated the power of "Me." My drive and determination and my energy, and my need for...well, my need for speed, really.

I read through one of my old journals last night, with a glass of red wine in hand. It was from the period of time right before I got together with my S-T-B Ex. It was full of desperation and self-denial. It was full of problems about an old boyfriend. The same kind of problems that resurfaced in my marriage. I could see the patterns, finally. I could see how I once again jumped into a relationship without thoroughly examining what I wanted from it; rather, I just expected that because I felt "love" and "friendship" and was having a good time, that these things would magically work themselves out.

This is why I think that getting married was the second best decision of my life. I would never have grown as much as I have without it. I have perspective. I have insight into myself. I'm uncovering things within myself that I have hidden for many long years—far longer than my marriage, or any other relationship-based milestone. I have been hiding from myself for a very long time, and I think I have found the key to rediscovering that self. That "Me."

Going through the storage boxes was not painful in the least. In fact, he and I rather enjoyed it. We reminisced over odd and awkward wedding gifts that never left their packaging. We told stories about photos. We laughed over old jokes and personal moments. It was very healing. It was very good closure. (I found an old tattoo design that I've wanted for a long time, and it still speaks to me. I'm going to get it done as soon as I can figure out my finances.)

I have reclaimed my physical life, and my emotional life is following suit.

Consistent Nudity (H/T Julie)

There is something very refreshing about someone consistently seeing you naked. Especially when he talks about how hot you are every time it happens.

10 Feet Tall

It is so strange, this feeling of release. I truly haven't felt this way in a long, long time. Years. I don't know how much that had to do with internal or external circumstance, really, but I do know that it feels like I'm finally breathing freely after a long time of holding my breath.

I feel myself unwinding. Unraveling in the most delicious way. I think that might have alarmed me once, but now I am yielding to the cravings of my heart, and my body, and my mind and I'm just starting to reignite the fire that has been smoldering for far too long.

There is inspiration peeking out of my consciousness that hasn't seen daylight. I have been dreaming so much that when I wake, I'm overwhelmed with images and sensations and impressions. Like things are trying to burst out of me, and my consciousness isn't allowing that to happen quite quickly enough. I feel full of life, and starting to get my pace back, and I feel huge. I feel larger than my physical self.

Apparently I've been doing a lot of talking in my sleep, too, and that hasn't happened in years either.

Hmm.

I am in TROUBLE

I'm having sex.

Wait, let me rephrase that.

I'm having amazing sex.


Lots and lots of it.
With a friend.
That I may or may not be falling for.

Ugh.

What the HELL am I doing???

Two Rights is not a Logical Fallacy

The second best decision I ever made in my life was to get married.
The first best decision I ever made was to get divorced.

This may seem contrary at best, but these two things have shaped me greatly—almost as much as burying two fathers. I have had the mirror held up to my face. I have looked deep into the dark thoughts of my own being. I have had to own up to my faults, my masks, my walls—all the things that I protected myself with. I don't think that I would have been able to do these things without the experience of marriage. Not even a long-term committed relationship would have done this for me. There is a level of...how can I say it...permanence, I guess, when it comes to being married. And for me, that was very necessary. I knew that I had to deal with myself in order to deal with my relationship. I learned this because I knew I had to.

Going through a divorce is strange. There is so much that still feels unresolved and up in the air. But maybe that isn't so strange. Very few things, at least in my life, come to a real resolution, despite my desperate attempts to reach some final conclusion.

I still stand by my first two statements. Because I now have a self-knowledge and understanding that no one can give me, and no one can take it away. I used to equate my husband with "home."
Now I know "home" was me all along.


I have some big plans, and I will hopefully unfold those shortly, when the time is right. Until then, just know that there are big things in the works, and you, my friends, will have a front row seat.