10.09.2007

Therapy and Tattoos

Which sounds worse to you: needles poking into the skin over the majority of your back, or therapy?

Here is the current state of my tattoo work. Next is a half-sleeve on my upper right arm, and then probably a little filling in on the back piece. Like it? I fucking love it.

Last night was mine and the hubs first couples therapy session, and it was intense. I didn't realize how things that happened when I was a child affected my adult relationships, and to what degree. I have been really put off my therapists in the past. I had a horrible experience with a therapist right after my bio-dad passed away when I was 14, and that set the stage for how I have perceived therapy up to this point. This guy we are going to is really great. I was shocked at how much one session made a difference (not that we're stopping there, by any means). I am a sad, scared little girl, terrified of rejection with a wall of anger to protect myself.

It's funny, really. It puts so much into perspective for me. I have recently had a good friend cut off all communication with me, and I was trying to be respectful and give her space (with her giving me no reason whatsoever for this abrupt end to communicae). I had really been beating myself up about it, but now I see how much it has truly hurt me. I have been trying to be nonchalant about it, and tell myself that it doesn't bother me, but it really does. Rejection of that kind—no reason, no nothing—is one of the cruelest things a person could do to me, and I think this friend knows it. It is so sad.

Ironically, another friend did the same thing to me last year. No explanation, nothing. After I tried repeatedly to talk to her about what was going on (I literally had NO IDEA), she finally gave me this general "we are moving in different directions" explanation and that was that. God, it hurt so much. She was in my wedding, for christsakes.
And now this friend, whom I work with, and play softball with, and truly thought she cared about me as much as I did her. So it has not that easy for me to put it out of my mind.

I don't know, I guess it is her issue. But I can't know because she won't return my phone calls anymore. So here I am, feeling awful all over again, like a little girl, and my strong side keeps trying to protect that soft side of me.

Well, let me tell you, I was ready for a release, because I bawled like a baby at therapy yesterday.

So I guess tattoos hurt more than therapy, and rejection more than tattoos.

10 comments:

  1. My God, so pretty. Heart stoppingly so. I think I'm in love with your tatto Boo. Muey jealous over here.

    It's weird (for me anyways) that you should post this today. I've been sort of considering starting therapy for a little while now - kind of like a prophylactic measure - get the issues I've been carting around sorted now before they start affecting relationships that actually matter (ie. when I hit my late 20s). It's really great to hear that you had a positive reaction to it. Rejection is a massive issue for me too so I can sympathise to some extent.

    Chin up chick, and enjoy the purdy, purdy new ink.

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  2. Wow! First, let me say that even though I don't get excited about body art, I think your tattoo is stunning.

    Second--therapy can be a very good thing. I am perpetually rejected, which doesn't make the sting any less--EVER--no matter who is rejecting you. But once, I rejected a friend who was very dear to me. I had tried to tell her for months that I needed support and needed to focus on all the changes going on in my life; but she too was going through changes and demanded more attention than I could give her. I even spelled it out for her once, made up and celebrated--but two days later it was the same thing again and I had to say goodbye. It was one of the more painful decisions I have made in life.

    And like Alex said, chin up--that's a darn pretty tattoo!

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  3. Hey there! Hot tattoo I love the full back piece. A very bold yet cute design and well balanced.

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  4. Sweetie, it's good you are trying to better yourself and maybe deal with some past issues. I have to do it before and it totally helped and I am who I am today, because of it. I know how you feel about your friends, but don't worry. You have plenty of people in your life who love you and if they want to act weird then, they can piss. It never helps a situation to not be honest. I always feel that it's the right thing to do, when you have had an "issue" to talk it out. Leaving it in the dark, is nothing but disrespectful to that person and if they are disrespectful to you then, they are not your real friends.

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  5. alex: thaaaaank you. i love it too. the longer i have it, the more i love it. the half sleeve is going to be fucking amazing; i have some great ideas and the artist is awesome, so i can't go wrong.

    therapy has been great for me so far, despite my former objections.

    girl: and thank you too. i'm sorry you had to lose a friend that way. i've cut friends out of my life as well, and that shit is hard.

    heyoka: well, gee, thanks. yeah, it's all about the artist.

    artemisjen: thanks jen. that means a lot, especially coming from you and knowing what you have been through over the past however many years.

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  6. Awesome tat lady! That's a bitchin piece of work there.

    *Pshaw* Therapy's is for fruits and touchy feely hippies!

    J/K of course. I've never gone myself (not for lack of probably needing it) but if it helps, it helps. More power to you for knowing there's some things that you need to get straightened out and making an effort to make a change.

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  7. Well I guess that I never look at it that way, you know? I mean I obviously have had that happen before, but now I understand why and it makes more sense. I have been in that "not knowing" what I did wrong place and it does suck, but not all people are alike. I am very blunt and expressive with my feelings and this person, in your life, maybe that is not her. Anyway, you will figure it out either way, whether it be tomorrow or years from now. Sucks, but things always seem to come around, one way or another. Just focus on yourself and your marriage and family. That is what is really important :).

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  8. Everyone has a problem with rejection - some people more than others. I've always been okay with it (of course I'm often the one to pull away first), but one thing I've always done is keep in mind that if someone doesn't want me (as a friend of whatever) it's their loss. You should always remind yourself of that, because other people and what they think doesn't define or validate you. Easier said than done, but always worth a shot.

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  9. red: i know i know, mainly because i'm usually the one saying that to other people. i mean, normally (with my anger wall intact) i would feel the same way. but with this therapy thing, i started to realize that anger usually isn't my first emotional response--so i'm learning to recognize my first emotional response and deal with THAT one instead of letting myself go to that comfortable angry place.

    it really is more for me than anyone, and i think recognizing that rejection and my fear of rejection had a huge impact on how i view and deal with the world is good for me right now. i can feel myself becoming that softer person again--a person i haven't been in over 10 years.

    it is scary, and i'm putting myself out there, but it feels good too. it feels honest.

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  10. <a href="http://medonlineshops.com">OnlinePharmacy</a>October 26, 2007 at 3:35 AM

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Spit it, betch!