I freaked out the other night. Like, freaked out in a way that I have only done one other time in my life. I had an emotional breakdown.
These things never happen to me. Wait, no no no. I never LET these things happen to me. If I feel negative, or have a bad experience I usually push my emotions about it away. Word to the wise: This will not do. Not at all.
They don't go away. Ever. Even if you learn to deal with the things that shape you as a person, they never go away. I went through six months of therapy after me and the ex-husband split, and during that time I was able to start learning how to get in touch with those deep dark places within, and hopefully help some of that shit come out into the light. It was really hard, and even though I was trying to be as open as I could in those sessions, I knew I was editing. I knew it as I sat there and cried harder than I have cried in my life, and that is a scary feeling. It is scary knowing that you aren't going nearly as deep as you should, but even at that depth there is such terror and fear. It was intense, and almost overwhelming.
Well, those very deep things that I can hardly look in the face started to surface within me the other night. It was after a conversation with my sister, and as soon as I put down the phone, I felt something burbling up. But instead of dealing with what was coming up in me (abandonment, rejection, fear) I pushed it away and started acting out. And I starting acting out on a person in my life that I know loves me very very much. Someone who I've been able to share more of myself than with any other person in my life, except for mey lifetime best friend. And I hurt this person. And I hurt me. And I kept going. I was out of control.
Now I'm out of town on business, trying to be focused while at the same time trying to pay attention to what is happening inside of me. I've gotten so good at pushing negative things away—so very good that, a week after my dad died, I was right back at work and acting like normal. God, I have buried so much shit. And my failed marriage is one more victim, along with the countless number of friends and family members that I've pushed away or just dropped.
I think it is time for me to do the hard work.
I must admit: I'm scared shitless right now.
Saturn has motherfucking returned.