Living Bi in a Straight World

To come out, or not to come out: That can be a huge question, especially for those of us that consider ourselves "mostly" straight.

Something I have learned as I grow (older, if not wiser) is that life is full of gray areas. Often, we seek answers to questions that have none, and this is an uncomfortable place to exist for most people. We like our world nice and structured. Paper or plastic. Truth or dare. God or no god. Gay or straight. This or that. This doesn't allow for a lot of room for where most of us fall, which is usually somewhere in between: The dreaded gray area.

There has been a lot of attention in the gay community lately about coming out, sparked by the recent string of tragic suicides, many of which are related to being bullied because of one's sexuality. It is so sad to me that being closeted is still extremely common, but it is easy to see why many members of the gay community continue to live in the closet. There is pressure on both sides of the fence: Don't come out because of the inevitable judgement; or come out because of the pressure to be supportive. I like to call this: The dreaded gay area.

As I mentioned in my It Gets Better Post, I am bisexual. I've never felt like I was missing out on living my true life because I wasn't "out" to many of my friends and family. This is because I'm mostly straight. I've had a few short-lived relationships with women, but my "serious" relationship have always been with men.

So what does it mean for the many of us that are Mostly Straight? It is important for us to come out to support our gay brothers and sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, and friends? Is it productive? Would it start a true conversation?

These are perfect examples of those gray areas. Most likely, there is no right answer. Most definitely, this is a choice that each individual must make for themselves.

But I ask this: Is it important? And why?


  1. I'm exactly like you: mostly straight, but I've smoked a few in my time. I'm out to my wife and friends, but it took me a while to say anything to my family. Eventually they found out, somehow, and all it accomplished was them telling me I couldn't possibly be truly bi because I was married to a woman.

    Um, what?

  2. I think that is one of the inherent, well, dangers, for lack of a better term. "You can't possibly be gay, you have a wife!" Or some variation on that.

  3. I'm the same way. I have been with a few women,and really enjoy it. But all of my serious relationship have been with men. I've been married for 7 years, to a man, but still find myself missing things about an intimate relationship with a woman. My husband doesn't know about that part of my life because he is one of the guys that thinks its gross. Sometime I feel like I can't truly be myself. No one in my family knows, except my one brother, but he's the only one open minded enough to accept it. The rest are extremely religious and would tell me I'm going to Hell.
    So...I just keep quiet.

  4. I have always considered myself straight with an asterisk. I lived with a bi woman for several years and was, honestly, more than a little in love with her, and not in a sisterly way. We had more than a few physical moments, but we were never in a relationship. I was young and terrified, and never came to accept that side of myself until after I was "safely" married. Now I wish I had explored it more, as those feelings still surface from time to time.

  5. Anonymous @ 12:17
    How do you feel about your husband's lack of acceptance to that kind of lifestyle? And, do you feel stifled because you feel like you "can't truly be yourself"? This is exactly what I want to talk about, so I'd love for you to elaborate.

  6. I'm solidly in the middle bisexual in a lesbian relationship (11 years long). And I have to think about the fact that sometimes I REALLY miss sex with men.
    What's difficult is that when things aren't going well with my partner, it's easy to think "Well, if I left her and was with a MAN, it would be easier." Because that actually doesn't make sense and it's not true.
    But back to sexuality, there's not an option for us to have an open relationship as she would be wildly NOT okay with me doing anything with a man. And when we were playing with a third for a while (another woman) my whole brain fell out with jealousy and seething insecurity.

    So, that's where we're at.


  7. MyySharona: Yes! This is definitely the flip side of the same coin. So, does she know you are into men as well? I dated a woman who was really insecure about the fact that I could potentially be attracted to "everyone we meet" as she would put it from time to time. And I've experienced that much more with my relationships with women than with my relationships with men.

  8. I do feel stifled. He was raised in a very, VERY, religious house hold. Anything that was considerate liberal was, and is, extremely frowned upon. I tried telling him once what my views are and how they are different than his and he started calling me a hippie every chance he got until I blew up at him. The subject was dropped and hasn't been brought up again.

    He isn't into porn, at all. He doesn't like the images of female/female relationships. He is not a typical man. He once told me that if I ever "turned into a lesbian" he would divorce me and fight me for custody of our kids, because he doesn't want them raised like that." He is very set in his ways and ignorant.

    We have 3 kids together, and I love him with all of my heart. I can't imagine my life with out him... BUT. I really wish he was more open to the fact that I have a whole other side to me that I need to express and have acknowledged. I have hide a lot of what turns me on in bed because he isn't very adventurous. I have to hide the fact that I get myself off, a lot, to images of women.

    I feel like I'm living a lie most of the time. But I do what I have to to feel like myself.

  9. Anonymous:
    Wow. That's really hard. One thing I've come to realize is that the idea of Happily Ever After in a relationship is the biggest myth foisted on women, and one of the reasons to many of us get divorced (and I'm speaking from personal experience here) is that we don't understand that our significant other can't be our "everything". Each relationship in our life is so important, and in very different ways. Maybe we get security and love from our partner, but not understanding. Maybe we get understanding, and not playfulness. It is a delicate balance, and we have to determine several things:

    1. The reality of our relationship
    2. If that reality is ok
    3. If that reality suits our needs for that specific relationship.

    What is it that you do to feel like yourself?

  10. HEA is Bull Shit. LOL.

    What do I do to feel like myself.

    I remind myself daily who/what I am. I was a victim, but now a survivor. I am an amazing wife and mother. I am an understanding sister and daughter. I am a woman who loves men and other woman.

  11. A big step forward for civil rights was made when the US military integrated black Americans into it's ranks. Perhaps coming out will become less of a concern for everyone when Don't Ask, Don't Tell goes away.


Spit it, betch!