Ok, are you ready for this?
With five weeks left until we can move into our new home, the woman I knew as "Mom" has kicked my husband and I out of her basement where we are living (if you can call it that) while we are building a house.
...
She told me this while I was at work on Friday. There was no fight. There was no drug-running from the basement. No broken windows. No band practice. No exorbitant power bills. The reason? She and her boyfriend need privacy.
To say that I'm reeling is a drastic understatement. To say that I'm devastated is closer to the truth. To say that I've never felt so alone in my entire life is pretty spot on. I feel like my mom has died--that is how out of character this is.
She told me this over the phone. I sobbed at work. I went for a walk and came back. I sobbed more.
She has yet to look at me, much less speak to me.
Luckily for me and my little family unit, we have an amazing support system. Within 2 hours of finding out I have nowhere to live, we had secured a place to live in rent free with our animals until we can finish the house.
Oh yeah, did I mention that we are just now beginning to do our finishing work on the house? The house that I WAS living 30 feet from in order to make that work more convenient, but now have to travel 30 minutes one way to reach? Did I mention that we are doing all the flooring, building the kitchen, building both bathrooms, painting, and running the trim? Did I mention that? Because I think the woman I called "mom" has forgotten. Strange, she is only 51. Early onset Alzheimer's? I wish.
So tonight marks our first night in a being-remodeled rental. The hubs and I are finishing the remodel work in the rental in exchange for the place to stay. And we are finishing our house at the same time. Awesome.
I might be a bit M.I.A. for the next couple of weeks, but when our house is done I promise I'll have pictures.
Does anyone know what to do when your mom decides you are no longer a part of her life? Because these are new and risky waters for me. I could use a good word. Maybe I can get a mix from Ms. Mix & Bitch.
I've been trying to think of something good to say. Remember you're loved. The rest is a pain in the ass inconvenience.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I'm just weepy tonight, but as a mom, you broke my heart with what you're going through. Girl, I wish you were here in the RVA 'cause you'd be sleeping in my den and babysitting Little A.
ReplyDeleteCurious: Thanks Lady. And it is true; I have experienced a heartwarming response from the people I call friends. People that I would now call family.
ReplyDeletemanda: Don't be weepy! Aww. Well, what can I say--I've been doing the same thing since Friday. I even cried when we were moving our bed yesterday. Thank you so much. And if I were in the RVA, I would SO take you up on it, too. :)
I know she hurt you and what I'm about to say isn't really the point, but: You don't live with her anymore. That has to be an upside!
ReplyDeleteNo, you're right, it is the point.
ReplyDeleteIt falls into the "Be Careful What You Wish For" category after I bitched so much about living in the basement. The universe did a ha-ha on me, didn't it! :)
I'm finding more and more upsides as time moves on.
Boo, I went through the same type of experience with my father a little over two years ago. He decided that it was easier to make his new wife and step kids a priority over his own flesh and blood, and has been a consistent source of heartache and betrayal since. It's taken me a long time to realize that it's not because he doesn't love me, it's that he's too afraid to man up and be there like he should. Hopefully your mom will figure that out. Kids over boyfriends...ALWAYS.
ReplyDeleteJulie: I really appreciate your personal anecdote. Strangely enough, I went through the exact same thing with my bio-dad when I was 14. His new wife and new stepkids (that he subsequently adopted and named as his only heirs) replaced me and my brother. But my dad did it a bit more directly--he took us all on vacation to Disney World and said he didn't love me or my brother anymore (needless to say, the "magic" was gone). I guess it was a good thing, because I didn't agonize over his motives--I knew to go straight to the "anger and fuck you" attitude. This situation is so different, so that's where I'm struggling, I guess. ANYHOO, thanks for the comment. I really appreciate everyone giving me the loves. :)
ReplyDeleteVirtual internet hugs to you. Hope you are managing to settle into your new (temporary) home.
ReplyDeleteIf Toronto was in any way commutable distance, my guest futon would be there for you guys.
Aw, Pea, thanks sweets. If Toronto was in any way close to me, I don't think I'd be in this situation.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it is time for a move... :)
And yes, we are settling in to the new home, although my little doggie ran away last night and I almost lost it. But then she came home, and I lost it. With happiness and relief.
To think that I feel this strongly about my pooch, and yet my own mother doesn't about me--well, that is just depressing. Arg. I'm done now.
Hey, Boo...Have no idea if your mom's life is changing up a lot right now. When I was first divorced (after 26 years...10 years ago) I made some mistakes with my kids. My focus was so much on myself, feeling alone, afraid. They wondered where their mom went. Be patient and also tell her (without anger and without attachment as to how she responds) how it feels. It is important she know now, rather than later. At 51, she is growing up again it seems.
ReplyDeleteWill you be living 30 feet from your mom when the house is done?
Hey Verbal,
ReplyDeleteYeah, her life has been changing a lot in the last 3 years. And she and I have gone through a lot together. It isn't so much that I need her to be my "Mom" now as it is that I want her respect as a human being. It's not really that she has stopped being a mom--I haven't needed that kind of relationship with her for going on 10 years--but more the fact that she is becoming more and more toxic to me. I've tried everything with her; I've tried the talking without anger or emotion; I've bent to her every need (I'm the first born overcompensator for other people's problems, the problem solver for the world, the "savior" syndrome). I've pretty much been around the block with her as far as options on how to deal with this situation.
But she just keeps reverting over and over and over. We have these really great conversations, and I think, "Ok, she totally gets where I'm coming from." And for a short time, I think she really does. But nothing ever changes. Nothing comes from these delicate interactions. And now she has completely destroyed my trust in her. I'm just done expecting anything from her.
And yes, I'll be living 30 feet from her when the house is done. But that is ok; I can be polite and neighborly. I just can't imagine that we will ever get back to the point of being friends. I wish it weren't that way, but I have learned the hard way by giving way too much of myself to people who either don't appreciate it or who keep using me. I'm trying to break that cycle. And now it turns out that she is one of the more toxic people in my life, so I have to break the cycle with her, too.
It's a feeling of mourning the relationship I had with her that depresses me.
I don't know; after a while there is only so much I can do. She has to do this for herself, and I'm finally letting it go and giving it to her to deal with.
I hope you feel better, Boo. Throw it into the work. Make everything you do full of good energy. Know that you inspire people with your words (and when I say people, I mean "me"), and you can inspire others with your handiwork.
ReplyDeletehey BOO!
ReplyDeleteme thinks sometimes we have to put aside the and forget the flesh and blood theory, and think of a parent or sibling as simply an individual whom you owe no allegiance to; you know, to coin a phrase - you can love a person but it doesn't mean to have to like them too. And because of that you need not associate yourself with peeps you don't like. I guess if you desire to rekindle the love AND respect (liking) of your mom, it will have to be on her terms; that is, she will eventually realize her wrongness of her ways. I suspect she will come around but until then, being polite and neighborly is always the right way.
Sometimes I go nuts how young gay teens who I witness try to draw the love and liking out from their parents who shun them, and never give up trying. The problem is not with the young teenn obviously, and the young teen remins tormented by their parents' dismissal.
By the way, Curious Hair pretty much nailed it.
hey BOO!
ReplyDeleteme thinks sometimes we have to put aside the and forget the flesh and blood theory, and think of a parent or sibling as simply an individual whom you owe no allegiance to; you know, to coin a phrase - you can love a person but it doesn't mean to have to like them too. And because of that you need not associate yourself with peeps you don't like. I guess if you desire to rekindle the love AND respect (liking) of your mom, it will have to be on her terms; that is, she will eventually realize her wrongness of her ways. I suspect she will come around but until then, being polite and neighborly is always the right way.
Sometimes I go nuts how young gay teens who I witness try to draw the love and liking out from their parents who shun them, and never give up trying. The problem is not with the young teenn obviously, and the young teen remins tormented by their parents' dismissal.
By the way, Curious Hair pretty much nailed it.