For an amazing, inspirational woman. A loving, beautiful wife. A kind, adoring mother. A woman I never met face to face, yet grew to know as we supported one another in our trudge through life struggles. Her struggle has ended, and thus begins those who knew and love her. My heart reaches out to her family.
Amanda "AlabamaPink" Amos 1975 - 2009
A Song of Despair
The memory of you emerges from the night around me. The river mingles its stubborn lament with the sea.
Deserted like the dwarves at dawn. It is the hour of departure, oh deserted one!
Cold flower heads are raining over my heart. Oh pit of debris, fierce cave of the shipwrecked.
In you the wars and the flights accumulated. From you the wings of the song birds rose.
You swallowed everything, like distance. Like the sea, like time. In you everything sank!
It was the happy hour of assault and the kiss. The hour of the spell that blazed like a lighthouse.
Pilot's dread, fury of blind driver, turbulent drunkenness of love, in you everything sank!
In the childhood of mist my soul, winged and wounded. Lost discoverer, in you everything sank!
You girdled sorrow, you clung to desire, sadness stunned you, in you everything sank!
I made the wall of shadow draw back, beyond desire and act, I walked on.
Oh flesh, my own flesh, woman whom I loved and lost, I summon you in the moist hour, I raise my song to you.
Like a jar you housed infinite tenderness. and the infinite oblivion shattered you like a jar.
There was the black solitude of the islands, and there, woman of love, your arms took me in.
There was thirst and hunger, and you were the fruit. There were grief and ruins, and you were the miracle.
Ah woman, I do not know how you could contain me in the earth of your soul, in the cross of your arms!
How terrible and brief my desire was to you! How difficult and drunken, how tensed and avid.
Cemetery of kisses, there is still fire in your tombs, still the fruited boughs burn, pecked at by birds.
Oh the bitten mouth, oh the kissed limbs, oh the hungering teeth, oh the entwined bodies.
Oh the mad coupling of hope and force in which we merged and despaired.
And the tenderness, light as water and as flour. And the word scarcely begun on the lips.
This was my destiny and in it was my voyage of my longing, and in it my longing fell, in you everything sank!
Oh pit of debris, everything fell into you, what sorrow did you not express, in what sorrow are you not drowned!
From billow to billow you still called and sang. Standing like a sailor in the prow of a vessel.
You still flowered in songs, you still brike the currents. Oh pit of debris, open and bitter well.
Pale blind diver, luckless slinger, lost discoverer, in you everything sank!
It is the hour of departure, the hard cold hour which the night fastens to all the timetables.
The rustling belt of the sea girdles the shore. Cold stars heave up, black birds migrate.
Deserted like the wharves at dawn. Only tremulous shadow twists in my hands.
Oh farther than everything. Oh farther than everything.
Hiya folks. It's been a while, I know. I have been pretty blue for the last six months, if I'm being honest. Well, if I'm really being honest, it would be a bit longer, but it has been more noticeable in the last six months.
I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I have been trying to take a very real look at myself to see what is holding me back, and why I can't seem to be honestly happy. It has been pretty painful, but I hope that pain is coming from personal growth as much as it is from reliving bad past experiences, and new bad experiences. Everything happens as it should, I have come to believe, and it is up to us to decide how to react to whatever is placed in our path. That is what determines the kind of person each of us really is. It doesn't take the hurt away when someone you love is dishonest, or thoughtless, or just not there. But it does give you the power to determine what your life will be, regardless of those around you. Even those closest to you.
So I think that is what has been going on with me. I have been hurt pretty badly by the people I love most, and I'm coming to terms with a way to deal with it that is healthy (for everyone involved, including me) and positive. But GOD, it has been a long road. A long, desperate road. Several times I have felt pushed to the brink. Luckily, there has been someone there to grab me each time, and those someones are sometimes very surprising someones (like an old grade school crush--yeah, weird right?).
I don't know if I'm trying to say anything. I'm just speaking to the circles that my mind wanders in. But I do know that things are starting to look a bit brighter today, and I feel good about that. And I also know that the closest people in my life are those that I love the most, and hurt is just a natural part of loving someone that much. And that I feel good about, too. I was on a pretty dangerous road for a while there—a road that would have led me to a lonely, bitter life—but I have decided against that. I have chosen the hurt that I know awaits me in the future for the love that I feel today. And I'm ok with that.
One last word of wisdom from a growing girl: Great sex can heal almost anything. Indulge in taking care of your heart by taking care of your O.