A Song of Despair

For an amazing, inspirational woman. A loving, beautiful wife. A kind, adoring mother. A woman I never met face to face, yet grew to know as we supported one another in our trudge through life struggles. Her struggle has ended, and thus begins those who knew and love her. My heart reaches out to her family.

Rest peacefully.

Amanda "AlabamaPink" Amos
1975 - 2009


A Song of Despair


The memory of you emerges from the night around me.
The river mingles its stubborn lament with the sea.

Deserted like the dwarves at dawn.
It is the hour of departure, oh deserted one!

Cold flower heads are raining over my heart.
Oh pit of debris, fierce cave of the shipwrecked.

In you the wars and the flights accumulated.
From you the wings of the song birds rose.

You swallowed everything, like distance.
Like the sea, like time. In you everything sank!

It was the happy hour of assault and the kiss.
The hour of the spell that blazed like a lighthouse.

Pilot's dread, fury of blind driver,
turbulent drunkenness of love, in you everything sank!

In the childhood of mist my soul, winged and wounded.
Lost discoverer, in you everything sank!

You girdled sorrow, you clung to desire,
sadness stunned you, in you everything sank!

I made the wall of shadow draw back,
beyond desire and act, I walked on.

Oh flesh, my own flesh, woman whom I loved and lost,
I summon you in the moist hour, I raise my song to you.

Like a jar you housed infinite tenderness.
and the infinite oblivion shattered you like a jar.

There was the black solitude of the islands,
and there, woman of love, your arms took me in.

There was thirst and hunger, and you were the fruit.
There were grief and ruins, and you were the miracle.

Ah woman, I do not know how you could contain me
in the earth of your soul, in the cross of your arms!

How terrible and brief my desire was to you!
How difficult and drunken, how tensed and avid.

Cemetery of kisses, there is still fire in your tombs,
still the fruited boughs burn, pecked at by birds.

Oh the bitten mouth, oh the kissed limbs,
oh the hungering teeth, oh the entwined bodies.

Oh the mad coupling of hope and force
in which we merged and despaired.

And the tenderness, light as water and as flour.
And the word scarcely begun on the lips.

This was my destiny and in it was my voyage of my longing,
and in it my longing fell, in you everything sank!

Oh pit of debris, everything fell into you,
what sorrow did you not express, in what sorrow are you not drowned!

From billow to billow you still called and sang.
Standing like a sailor in the prow of a vessel.

You still flowered in songs, you still brike the currents.
Oh pit of debris, open and bitter well.

Pale blind diver, luckless slinger,
lost discoverer, in you everything sank!

It is the hour of departure, the hard cold hour
which the night fastens to all the timetables.

The rustling belt of the sea girdles the shore.
Cold stars heave up, black birds migrate.

Deserted like the wharves at dawn.
Only tremulous shadow twists in my hands.

Oh farther than everything. Oh farther than everything.

It is the hour of departure. Oh abandoned one!



-Pablo Neruda

Tourney WHO? ACC What?

Guess who's going to the ACC Tourney in Atlanta this weekend?????
Guess who's team* is gonna win it???
Guess who might not make it back in time for work on Monday???

HEEEE!!!



*Go HEELS!

Time to Take a Breath

Hiya folks. It's been a while, I know. I have been pretty blue for the last six months, if I'm being honest. Well, if I'm really being honest, it would be a bit longer, but it has been more noticeable in the last six months.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I have been trying to take a very real look at myself to see what is holding me back, and why I can't seem to be honestly happy. It has been pretty painful, but I hope that pain is coming from personal growth as much as it is from reliving bad past experiences, and new bad experiences. Everything happens as it should, I have come to believe, and it is up to us to decide how to react to whatever is placed in our path. That is what determines the kind of person each of us really is. It doesn't take the hurt away when someone you love is dishonest, or thoughtless, or just not there. But it does give you the power to determine what your life will be, regardless of those around you. Even those closest to you.

So I think that is what has been going on with me. I have been hurt pretty badly by the people I love most, and I'm coming to terms with a way to deal with it that is healthy (for everyone involved, including me) and positive. But GOD, it has been a long road. A long, desperate road. Several times I have felt pushed to the brink. Luckily, there has been someone there to grab me each time, and those someones are sometimes very surprising someones (like an old grade school crush--yeah, weird right?).

I don't know if I'm trying to say anything. I'm just speaking to the circles that my mind wanders in. But I do know that things are starting to look a bit brighter today, and I feel good about that. And I also know that the closest people in my life are those that I love the most, and hurt is just a natural part of loving someone that much. And that I feel good about, too. I was on a pretty dangerous road for a while there—a road that would have led me to a lonely, bitter life—but I have decided against that. I have chosen the hurt that I know awaits me in the future for the love that I feel today. And I'm ok with that.

One last word of wisdom from a growing girl: Great sex can heal almost anything. Indulge in taking care of your heart by taking care of your O.

Love to you all,

Boo

Channeling the One Power

I'm not sure how it exactly happened, but I was somehow drawn in to Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series. I've read the entire series—that is now awaiting one last installment following Jordan's death a few years ago—probably five times. Maybe six.

I've been pestering my husband to read these books for going on five years now, and he finally picked up the first book the other day. Seeing him start the book made my mind water, so I came up with a great idea: Let's read the books out loud to one another.

I should have known that I would end up reading them out loud to myself. My husband tends to fall asleep when confronted with books, movies, or any other activity in which he can make himself comfortable. It's an uncanny knack—nay, it is a gift—that he can fall asleep whenever and wherever. But he has been a champ; he stays awake as long as his brain will let him, and I catch him up on what he missed. It has been so pleasant, and my reading-out-loud voice is getting really good. But in reading a book out loud, you begin to notice things that your mind might have scanned over before (because with Jordan's drawn out descriptions of Illian and Tear, my mind starts to wander, so I scan).

One of the things I've noticed: He says "abruptly." Like, A LOT.

I've said it so many times, the word has lost all meaning to me. It even looks weird to me. Ugh. A-B-R-U-P-T-L-Y. Look at that! Those letters were never meant to be that close to one another!

Stop using "abruptly"!

GAH!!!!!!!!

My Saturn Returns

I've lost my mind.

I can still function, and be social, and everything appears to be fine, but I am really starting to lose my grasp on what I think I know about myself. It is a good, and necessary, breakdown. Not debilitating. Not emotionally destructive, although it has had me racing through the spectrum of extreme emotion in a way I haven't since I was 14 or 15. I feel myself searching for the bottom to see where I can start rebuilding.

I'm beginning to get used to these growth spurts. At first, they were really painful, and they still are, but in a way that I can accept as necessary.

Ear Candy: NIN

This is for my cyberlover, PissBoy. I hate you. Like, a lot. And I want to cradle your organs in an Easter basket at Thanksgiving dinner.

Please to enjoy Closer.



Call me when you wanna blow up something.

Ear Candy (?): Europe

This is for you, Jules!

Do the Right Thing

If you haven't seen this movie yet, drop what you are doing. Right now.

Go!!! Geez.

Boo's Top Ten: Things I Want to See Change from Last Year to This Year

10. Oprah stops talking about how she constantly gains and loses weight.
Author's Note: For god sakes woman, you are the poster whale for yo-yo. JUST STOP OBSESSING, EAT THE DAMN COOKIES, and SHUT IT.

9. The Jonas Brothers go away as quickly as they came.
Author's Note: Which, as the legend goes, is pretty quick considering that they are slightly past the age of counting the number of pubes on their Ken dolls.

8. My economic stimulus package hurts. Stop the hurty.

7. Better and more viral videos than EVAR BEFORE.
Author's Note: This is sarcastic. Don't send me forwards. Don't send me videos, and then only write in the email, "You've GOT to see this." If you don't tell me what it is I'm about to look at, I won't look at.

6. No laying off. But lots of getting laid!!
Author's note: Um, do I really need to explain this one??

5. Travel to exotic locations.

4. Less hints from my grandmother about my getting knocked up.
Author's note: This would be heaven, except for the warning in my heart that this will never, ever happen. Ever.

3. Make a kickass movie.
Author's note: This is underway, and will hopefully have positive results by the end of the summer.

2. Me, on a label, with an album under my belt.
Author's Note: I'm counting on all five of you to promote the hell out of my music, when, you know, I write it and record it and start playing it all over the world. Yeah. So get on that.

1. A Happier Me!
Author's final note: Yes, this list is extremely self-serving. I would like to thank my local grocery store self-check out for the inspiration necessary to write such an amazingly insightful blog. I owe it all to you, machine that replaced the sweet old lady in a green apron.

AAAAND We're Back...

My mom is getting married.
I'm happy for her happiness.
That is all I will ever say about her again.

Hi Guys! Gosh, I really missed you all. I know, it has been a ridiculously long time since I have even tried to write anything here, and as usual I've been stretching myself too thin, but that is neither here nor there.

Lots has been going on with me, but I'm not sure that I'm going to over-indulge as I have in the past. It is starting to seem...strange for me. I have no idea why, but there it is. (I promise, if I have a good story, or I have to beat down another punk on the street or something, you'll be in the know.)


I'm feeling a lot of fresh energy now that our house is somewhat completed (pics eventually/maybe) and I'm ramping up for the next few months that should be pretty exciting. I'm working on a film project--TOP SECRET--and getting together with some excellent musician friends from school to record some music. Yes. Finally. THAT I will certainly keep you updated on, because who knows, I might be touring at the end of the year and maybe we could meet up for a beer and you could bring all your friends to my gig, and that would rock. So yeah, I'll keep you updated. Maybe even sneak some peaks if I can figure out how to get music files to play on my profile. (Anyone know a good widget or something? I'm so out of the hip blogging movement.)

Is it just me, or does this year seem to be brimming with possibilities? I know that the world seems very strained right now, but I feel a lightness on the horizon that I haven't felt in a long, long time. I couldn't honestly say that last time I felt this way, but I would guess that I was around 10 years ago, and that is a deadfully depressing thought. I feel a buzzing in my center that portends good things for me, and I intend to channel it into the dreams and wishes that I've always harbored but for one reason or another never went after. I think it is the right time now. I think I am finally ready.

No new year resolution. No fad diet. Just a simple reaching out for the dream. Reaching out to where I want to be. It is all I can do lately: imagine where I want to be, and who I want to be when I get there. And I have a very strong feeling that it is where I am meant to be.

Sorry if this is all a little woowoo, but I'm in a brain-spill phase and I don't mind being odd.

Speaking of odd, where the HELL is Alex???

Love to you all in the New Year.


-Boo