The events I am about to relate really happened this past Saturday night.
I come home with my "friend". I have a backache from building a deck all day. I am in pain, but nothing serious. I am, however, in need of some serious, ahem, sexual healing.
"Friend" falls asleep. I am without relief. I begin to relieve myself, as was a habit during the last stages of my mostly sexless marriage.
Just as I'm reaching liftoff, "friend" wakes up (because apparently I was moaning), and asks me, "Are you ok? Do you need a doctor?"
I promptly lose my liftoff.
"What?" I ask.
"Do you need a doctor?"
...
"For my orgasm?"
"Oh. I thought you were in pain. Because of your back."
We laugh. Alot. And then we both relieve each other. Several times.
Showing posts with label funny ass shit. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny ass shit. Show all posts
11.16.2009
9.03.2009
Sticks and Stones
HA. Ha ha ha.
I just had to share this.
I just found out from a friend that my STBEx has been spreading vile rumors around about me. And man, is this a round-about way of finding out. Here's the path that this rumor took to reach my sweet little ears.
My friend's friend was in an airport and randomly met some guy that went to school with my STBEx. They struck up a conversation, and somehow my STBEx came up. This guy, whom I'm pretty sure I know (because it was when I was supporting STBEx while he was finishing an associates degree in woodworking, and that school is exceptionally small so I know all his classmates), says this: Yeah, his ex-wife. What a fucking whore.
Now, this comes as a surprise to me for several reasons. A) Me and STBEx agreed not to talk about our private shit to people not in our close circles. B) He probably hasn't seen this guy in months, but somehow the guy feels he has a right to say something like that to someone he just met. C) I think I know who the dude is, and if it is who I think, then the motherfucker was IN OUR WEDDING.
Wow. Just, wow.
Author's Note: When I heard this, I couldn't help but laugh. The friend who phoned me to tell me this was fucking furious, and clearly had not believed me when I told him that the STBEx had actually said such nasty things to my face over the years. This "whore" comment was so low on the radar of nasty shit in comparison that I can't HELP but laugh. That, and what the fuck am I really gonna do? Call him up and say, "DID YOU CALL ME A WHORE MOTHERFUCKER???" No. There is a piece of white trash in me that wants to do that, but I've outgrown giving in to my baser needs. Anyway, this just becomes more fodder for my Rage/Revenge album currently in the works. GTs.
2nd Author's Note: Also, what the fuck is his problem? He's the one that jumped into bed with someone after two weeks. AND he tried to get me to fuck him again while he was still living in my house when we were separated. AND! Last night I was nice and made him dinner--long story--and he tried to fuck me AGAIN!!!
Whore.
I just had to share this.
I just found out from a friend that my STBEx has been spreading vile rumors around about me. And man, is this a round-about way of finding out. Here's the path that this rumor took to reach my sweet little ears.
My friend's friend was in an airport and randomly met some guy that went to school with my STBEx. They struck up a conversation, and somehow my STBEx came up. This guy, whom I'm pretty sure I know (because it was when I was supporting STBEx while he was finishing an associates degree in woodworking, and that school is exceptionally small so I know all his classmates), says this: Yeah, his ex-wife. What a fucking whore.
Now, this comes as a surprise to me for several reasons. A) Me and STBEx agreed not to talk about our private shit to people not in our close circles. B) He probably hasn't seen this guy in months, but somehow the guy feels he has a right to say something like that to someone he just met. C) I think I know who the dude is, and if it is who I think, then the motherfucker was IN OUR WEDDING.
Wow. Just, wow.
Author's Note: When I heard this, I couldn't help but laugh. The friend who phoned me to tell me this was fucking furious, and clearly had not believed me when I told him that the STBEx had actually said such nasty things to my face over the years. This "whore" comment was so low on the radar of nasty shit in comparison that I can't HELP but laugh. That, and what the fuck am I really gonna do? Call him up and say, "DID YOU CALL ME A WHORE MOTHERFUCKER???" No. There is a piece of white trash in me that wants to do that, but I've outgrown giving in to my baser needs. Anyway, this just becomes more fodder for my Rage/Revenge album currently in the works. GTs.
2nd Author's Note: Also, what the fuck is his problem? He's the one that jumped into bed with someone after two weeks. AND he tried to get me to fuck him again while he was still living in my house when we were separated. AND! Last night I was nice and made him dinner--long story--and he tried to fuck me AGAIN!!!
Whore.
11.14.2008
Reason 135,778 to live in Australia
Seriously, I love this more with each viewing. Just as I also love my one and only beaver.
6.18.2008
6.05.2008
At Least My Job Doesn't Suck This Badly
Although, I've always wondered what it would feel like to just go fucking crazy like this in my office... heh...
2.01.2008
The Word of the Day is Butt Cleavage
The only thing more absurd than Ice T's wife Coco and her GI-NORMOUS ASS is the fact that she's giving marriage advice on the same spread:
I have to say, the butt supports are very sensible. Who knows where that ass could be in 5 years without them?
I have to say, the butt supports are very sensible. Who knows where that ass could be in 5 years without them?
10.05.2007
Why I Love Liam.
This is what happens when I finish a monster project at work: internet diddling.
Shetbags.
Shetbags.
8.29.2007
8.13.2007
7.11.2007
I Love Monkey Torture
I guess it's all incestuous around here, what with the bug torture blogs from onthevirg, and TK, and Meg's poor mouse (the themes people, not incestuous with critters. geez, get yer minds outta there!). So when I read litelysalted's Kids in the Hall post, I remembered back 12, nay 14 years ago, when The State first aired on MTV (back when it only sucked a little less than it does now). Does anyone remember The State? I hope so.
hee hee hee!! Oh, those GUYS!
Oh, and also: puddin'.
To this day, me and the hubs STILL say "I wanna DIP MY BAAAALLLLLSS in it." (What can I tell ya, we're fun people!)
AAAAAAAND Kabuki State:
True comedy, folks. And with that, I bid yieu adieu.
Boo.
PS: Remember "Wet Hot American Summer"? Yeah, me too!
hee hee hee!! Oh, those GUYS!
Oh, and also: puddin'.
To this day, me and the hubs STILL say "I wanna DIP MY BAAAALLLLLSS in it." (What can I tell ya, we're fun people!)
AAAAAAAND Kabuki State:
True comedy, folks. And with that, I bid yieu adieu.
Boo.
PS: Remember "Wet Hot American Summer"? Yeah, me too!
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