So Fresh and So Clean Clean

Big changes in the coming weeks.

New bed.
New living situation.
New plans.
Big ideas.
Big moments.
A master closet all to myself.
A gorgeous house all to myself.
A gorgeous life -- all to myself.

I can afford to be a bit selfish for a while.

I feel like I can take a full breath again.


The Honest Truth

"I knew who you were when I asked you to marry me...I knew you were complicated. Challenging."

I stand there silently, watching his face while he searches for the words.

"I thought I could handle you. But I couldn't even handle me handling you."

He looks so sad. My heart wrenches with the truth of it. It's probably the most honest, real thing he's ever said to me. I feel hot tears start to fall down my cheeks.

"I know."


Wait, WHAT?

He's not seeing someone.

He's sleeping with her, though.

Apparently he's not ready for a relationship. I wish he had told me that five years ago.

But you know what he IS doing? Moving out.


Stress Dreams, Cont.

A restless night last night, but full of intensely stressful dreams about my separated husband. We are still sharing a house, but he wasn't home last night, and I'm beginning to think he is seeing someone.

It's been a month.

What. The. Fuck.

Today has already been a challenge to not cry at work. I hate crying at work. And I've had to push it back all day long.


People Watching in the Airport

WHOA freaky dude with the face tattoo. Freaky OLD dude with a face tattoo. What is that? (Puts glasses on for long-distance inspection).

OH MY GOD. It is a burning cross. I can't make out the letters beneath it, but three of them look like K's. Dear. Sweet. Lord.

Sitting in a bar, drinking better-than-piss-I-guess beer. Am only woman in bar. Weird.


Geez Subconscious. Give me a Freakin' Break.

I had yet another sex dream about the soon to be ex Mister Boo last night. This is the third one in two weeks.


What the fuck, brain?


I'm Feeling Rough I'm Feeling Raw I'm in the Time of My Life

The Good: Swimming in the lake. Fresh cherries and boiled peanuts. Long, lazy girl-talk on floats. Driving fast, with the wind blowing through my hair. Great music. Dancing like a maniac until I'm dripping with sweat and a smile that I can't shake. Laughing with my best friends. Sleeping in late. Real late. Fireworks from the ridge of a rooftop. Sparklers. Sitting at a bar, drinking a beer by myself. Getting hit on (???) five times in 10 minutes. Lazing around in my friend's beautiful home, reading magazines and talking shit.

The Bad: Saying goodbye to a friend. Safe travels, love. Visit often and repeat frequently.